


Drunken Wizards and Magic Words

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:42:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxy Lalonde is just about the greatest giver of advice on the whole planet. Except when it comes to alcohol. Which is a lot of the time. So when she accidentally messages a very distraught Eridan Ampora a night filled with rum, chat clients and regret begins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Be caligulasAquarium**  
Your name is Eridan Ampora and a girl just turned you down.  
Not an uncommon occurrence all things considered, so common in fact that you struggle to feel anything on the subject. Well barely anything over the constant background noise of depression and self-loathing which has been building up inside you over the past few months.  
As you reach the door to your house you unlock it and kick it open, slamming it behind you as you enter.

Your back haunches and you sigh “Fuck. Nepeta.” Your cloak slips from you back and you pull of your scarf, eyes staring down at the tiled floor. Your fist shoots out to the right punching your living room door.

Anyone who saw this door could pretty quickly deduce that you punching the door to vent frustration was in fact, also quite the common occurrence, battered and covered with scratches as it was. Not that anyone but you and your seahorses have even seen the door for five months, which was your cousin Cronus’ last visit. Your father had died six months prior and although family visited for the first month they quickly lost interest. It’s just as well you ponder, your dad would have had your head on a pike if he saw the house in the state it’s in, but you quickly file away the thought under 'Reasons to be sad which are not immediately important.'

You walk up to your aquarium in the living room. It takes up a good chunk of the wall but at current has only two occupants, your seahorses Julius and Augustus. They seem to swim up to when you approach and you smile slightly, their small fluttery motions are soothing and you find yourself watching them for a good ten minutes. You throw some food into the tank and trudge upstairs. Feferi had told you that they would help alleviate your loneliness, but it did really very little to help.  
You move into your bedroom, turn on your computer and slump into the purple office chair in front of it. Tears won’t come, they don’t deserve to you decide. You haven’t cried since Feferi dumped you a year ago. You didn’t cry when your dad died, you didn’t cry when you got rejected by Sollux or when Vriska dumped you. Not that you didn’t want to, not that you didn’t need to, the tears just won’t come. You need a different out to your emotions you conclude, looking down at your bruised fist; violence against inanimate objects just doesn’t cut it.

Pesterchum opens on your pc and you scroll through the list of names, mostly people who don’t want to talk to you. Actually, pretty much all of them don’t want to talk to you.

You sigh and alt tab to your browser, maybe one of your favourite wizard fics has updated. There is a new chapter for complacency of the learned but you need a graph to keep track of the characters in this one. Wait, Wizarding Herbert just released another 3 updates today. "Wow that thing is kind of intense" you mutter. You had joined the fandom for it ages ago and it’s now thousands of pages long and you don’t understand half of it, not even in the way you don’t understand CotL, it just doesn’t make any sense most of the time. You’re not sure who wrote it, but they must be a genius.

Wait someone’s pestering you.

tipsyGnostalgic (TG) started pestering caligulasAquarium (CA)

TG: hey fefeferi what wash the wok for bilohy  
TG: *biology  
CA: hey rox  
CA: this is eridan not fef  
TG: oh sorry edian  
CA: dont wworry about it, it wwas to do the information sheet about an animal a your choice  
TG: ohg reat  
TG: have u arleady don eit ederan???  
CA: yeah  
CA: roxy are you drunk  
TG: uhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhuuhhhhh  
CA: its only fivve thirty you sure thats a good idea  
TG: its probaby a RELLY BARD IDEA but wwhatevver  
CA: hey you did my quirk  
TG: heh I ges I did  
TG: *guss  
TG: *gues  
TG: fuck it. Don’t be such a shick in the mood erdani.  
TG: u shold TRY IT!  
CA: uh i don’t knoww  
TG: mr amproa ii oder you to do it  
CA: i guess i could the old man just left his liqueur lyin around  
CA: brb

caligulasAquarium is now an idle chum

The bedroom of the late Admiral "Dualscar" Ampora is a naturally intimidating place and you try to avoid it as much as you can. All manner of maritime tat line the walls alongside much more intimidating looking harpoons and guns. Everything is kept in chests too, which is also pretty weird. Opening one up you immediately hit jackpot and find a good two dozen bottles of Jamaican rum, you grab two and make your way back to your room.

CA: got em  
TG: what short is it?  
TG: *sort  
CA: rum in barely labelled green bottles  
TG: sonds fancie  
TG: take a sswwiigg!!!!!

You obey the nice drunk lady, knock your head back and pour the brown liquid down your throat.

"Bluh." Your throat is on fire as a good 100 mils of rum burn its way down your esophagus.

CA: WWHAT THE HELL IS THIS STUFF  
CA: IT FUCKIN BURNS LIKE NOBODIES BUISNESS  
TG: dude how much of that didchu drank?  
CA: ABOUT A FIFTH A IT  
TG: oh alreet  
TG: yah thas gona happen if u drink it like that  
CA: a little wwarnin wwouldn’t a gone amiss  
TG: yeah soreh.  
TG: it kick in yet  
CA: I dont know  
CA: *knowww  
CA: *knowwwwwww  
TG: lol dude clam down  
TG: *calm  
TG: it def has  
TG: well ill leve u to it  
TG: see u draien  
TG: *Eridan

tipsyGnostalgic (TG) ceased pestering caligulasAquarium (CA)

CA: byeeee

**Be the drunk girl**

Your name is Roxy Lalonde and you aren't drunk anymore. Slightly hung over, yes, but not drunk.

You slide some oatmeal into you microwave and slam the microwave door, an action you immediately come to regret as upon closing the door makes a loud bang, causing your headache to flare up.

"I have told you countless times not to drink on Thursday nights." Your twin sister Rose says carefully closing the fridge door to your left, milk in hand. "Although have told you an even greater amount to stop drinking so the key to making you do stuff is clearly not in the repetition." Rose gives a smirk and turns back to the fridge to rearrange the magnetic letters on the front.

You glare at her for a second before reaching into a drawer retrieving two paracetamol and washing them down with a glass of the apple juice you always have around in case your cousin Dave comes over to visit.

The microwave dings before the painkillers set in and you feel like you've just been shot in the head. Rose giggles, "I'll drive," she says picking up your car keys and going into the living room.

\---

You talk to your sister a bit more on the drive to college; she spent most of the night writing a new chapter for CoTL.

"I wrote three updates for Wizarding Herbert last night." You reply grinning.

"Wrote is one way of putting it." Rose deadpans. "It's more like you bash the keys and let spell-check sort out the rest."

You laugh, Rose is pretentious sometimes, but you know she cares, she just has a really weird way of showing it.

"Do much else?" Rose asks "Talk to anyone, you might not normally do?"

You stop giggling and gaze at her. "As a matter of fact, I did."

Rose's eyes stay on the road. "Who exactly would that be?" Her voice just shouts "I KNOW."

"Eridan, I asked him about what the biology homework was. I might have been a bit drunk when I talked to him."

"A bit?" Rose scoffs. "Any idea how drunk he got?"

Your heart drops slightly. "What do you mean?"

"I was talking to Kanaya last night and he pestered her, apologising for this one time he punched her three years ago." Rose finally turned to you. "Kan asked around after that, he basically apologised to everyone."

"Everyone?"

"He apologised to Vriska for not being good enough, how ridiculous is that? He apologised to Sollux, Nepeta and Karkat too. Then he apologised to me for being awful to him, which I can't argue with, but you should see what he said to Feferi."

"Fuck." You interject.

"Yeah, she sent the log to Kan. It's not pretty. I just wonder how the guy is gonna be, dealing with his first hangover after a night of being quite unlike himself to everyone he's close to."

Rose pulls into your normal parking spot and as you climb out of the car you mumble "This is why you don't drink on Thursday nights."

\---

Eridan is not hard to pick out a crowd during his most sober moments, his cape, scarf and streak of purple hair do that job. but today is different. He's wearing a red hoodie and blue jeans, his hair flies about in several directions, and his normal almost march-like walk has been replaced by a slight stumble.

Then it hits you. This man is not hung over, he is STILL DRUNK.

"Eridan." You call, hoping his alcohol-addled brain will register it.

"ROCKSIE!" He shouts back waving at you from the other side of the hallway.

You stride up to him and pull his body out of the main flow of people.

"How are you holding up?" You ask, trying to avoid the glances of passers-by.

"GREAT!" Eridan says and motions wildly with his arms. "I talked to evveryone I did bad stuff to and made it go away! My problems are solvved and its thanks to you Rox!" He punctuates this by dragging you into a hug.

"Eridan you're drunk, you shouldn't be in college. I can run you home before Biology if you want."

"But Rox, like this all my problems are gone, it's great."

You wince slightly; you know that sentiment too well. "Eridan I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have got you to drink that stuff."

"Wwhy are you apologisin Rox? You did a great thing for me! I'll be fine!"

The bell rings to signal that first period is about to start.

"Come on Rox let’s roll!" Eridan says marching off towards your biology classroom and laughing at his own joke.

You find time for a quick facepalm and an eye roll and follow after him.

\---

Eridan sits down in his normal seat for biology and for the first time you are truly thankful for the lack of assigned seating.

Your best friend Jane comes in and looks at you quizzically, before sitting in her normal seat. Feferi soon follows her and quickly glances over at Eridan who is doodling and then mouths a quick "thank you" before sitting down next to Jane.

Class goes without incident luckily, Eridan has remembered the homework and although he makes no notes, he manages to not be too loud or annoying. You see Feferi and Jae talking and halfway through the lesson you get a text from Jane saying that Feferi has explained the situation.

As you leave Eridan explains he doesn't feel too "swwell" you never really noticed that Eridan does tend to stutter on his W's just like how he types, but then again you never really noticed Eridan much at all. He was always just the guy who flirted with you friends too much.

You repeat your offer for taking him home and Eridan agrees. As you reach the car park you ask him where he lives. He stops.

"Oh no." You groan. "Eridan, don't tell me you forgot where you live."

"Then I wwon't," he glances away for a moment, "Sorry Rox."

"Le sign"

Eridan laughs. "Don't worry Rox I'll walk home, eventually."

"No, this is my fault I have to take responsibility, get in the car."

Eridan hops into the passenger seat and you take the wheel and push down the accelerator. Eridan scrambles for a hand hold as you do so, Rose had always said your driving was "needlessly aggressive", apparently she wasn't just making that up.

"Wwhere are wwe goin?" Eridan's knuckles where white as you brushed the base of a roundabout.

"My house." You reply looking at him and smiling.

"WWHOA EYES ON THE ROAD ROX!" Eridan shouts and you notice you've drifted into oncoming traffic, and swerve back. "JEGUS."

"I'm helping." You shoot him another smile. "Nothing sobers you up like a bit of mortal peril!"

"Glub."


	2. Chapter 2

**Eridan: Wake up**  
Your name is Eridan Ampora and you are awake. Opening your eyes causes your world to spin slightly and so you decide to take things a little slower from here on out.  
This isn’t your home. You’re on a sofa and your glasses are missing. You don’t know how you got here and the fact that what appears to be a sunset is happening through the big windows above you, you’re not sure what day it is either.

After fumbling around blindly for a bit you locate your glasses, and after sticking them firmly on your face you examine the room in bit greater detail. You are on one part of a large sofa which has two ninety degree turns on it, also on the sofa is a large princess doll which has had many parts of it replaced with knitted bits of eldritch horror.  
“Oh, I’m at the Lalonde’s.” You mutter sitting up on the sofa and giving the doll a poke. You take in the rest of the room, it’s grand and filled with a rather startling mix of wizardly ornaments and what looks like very expensive lab equipment.

You slink back into the sofa. “urgh.” You have a migraine forming and your memory is slowly returning. You were messaged by the pink text Lalonde. She told you to drink rum. You did for quite a while then you. You. You just can’t remember.

Pulling a phone out of your hoodie pocket (you’re in a hoodie, you never wear them in public) you find that it is in fact 8pm on a Friday. Last you remember it was 6pm on Thursday so you have 26 hours missing.

You sit up. “OUCH.” Okay you lie back down again. Taking it slow was going pretty well after all. Your phone tells you that there is a unsecured Wi-Fi signal under the name SN_413. Huh, you connect to it deciding that Pesterchum will know if there have been any major developments.

There appears to be a memo going on.

CA was banned from the memo.

Oh, huh. People are either mad or hiding things. You tap onto the pesterlogs from last night. Okay so you talked to TG, CG, CC, AG, TA, GA and TT last night. That is a bad compilation of people you muse. You tentatively open your pesterlog with Roxy.

Everything seems to be in order with your memories. This only makes you more nervous as you tap the name carcinoGeneticist.

caligulasAquarium (CA) started pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG)

CA: kar can i talk to you  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT? GOD I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TODAY.  
CG: NEPETA'S A WRECK, YOU REALLY HAD A GO AT HER DIDN'T YOU.  
CA: uhh yeah i feell really bad about that but i wanted to apoligise to you  
CA: for bein such a pain i mean  
CG: WHAT? YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE APOLOGISING TO ME RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO YOU SHOULD BE DOING THAT TO.  
CA: yeah i know ill get to them i just wanted to apologise to all my freinds and seein as youre the only guy wholl give me the time a day  
CA: i thought i would start with you  
CG: WHAT AFRE YOU FEELING OKAY? IT'S NOT LIKE YOU TO BE THIS PASSIVE AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF GOOD W'S YOU JUST MISSED DOUBLING WITH YOUR STUPID QUIRK.  
CA: wwwhat kar i feel great okay its all good  
CG: OKAY THIS IS SORT OF SCARY NOW. WHAT HAPPENED,  
CA: wwwwwell i talked to TG  
CG: DAVE?  
CA: nah roxy  
CG: WHY THE GREAT GALLOPING FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?  
CA: she messaged me dude  
CA: anyway she suggested some bevvverages  
CA: like what gam does  
CA: cept these work a course  
CA: anywwwway i gotta go bye

caligulasAquarium ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist

CG: WHAT THE FUCK

You throw your phone on the floor. You’ve heard how this story ends already, and the logs with Feferi and Vriska don’t look inviting at this point.

“Do try not to damage the table.” The dry tones of Rose Lalonde grace themselves at your ears and you turn to peer at her. “Good evening, I hope your nap was pleasant on my couch, now if you wouldn’t mind sitting up there is a documentary I would like to watch on Dark Magic.”

She moves around the corner at sits next to you crossing her legs in quite a reformed manner. You stare at her, last night you were apologising for calling her a “magical phony” which you admit was a poor insult, but now she’s acting like nothing happened. Wait, actually she’s acting like something did happen, but in a way you didn’t think was going to be done by your friends.

She’s acting like she accepted your apology.

“Rose, uhm, how did I get here?” You ask deciding not to venture into the previous evening.

“Roxy brought you here, she’s been fussing about you not overheating and being well ventilated and not choking on sick all day.” Rose glanced away from the television, “Of course when she left to do grocery shopping a little while ago I closed all the windows and took away your blanket. Sorry if that caused you any discomfort, it’s just undoing each other’s work is a thing in this household. She should be back in a few minutes though; she wanted to watch this show as much as I did.”

You turn to the TV and it is actually a show about summoning dark gods. Why the hell it’s on BBC Four you’ll never know but it provides quite a bit of information indeed. “Why are you watching this, I mean evveryone knowws magic is fake as fuck.”

“Is that so? Well in response to your question I will field this counter question, why are you wearing a Wizarding Herbert shirt under your hoodie in that case.” The tips of Rose’s mouth curled into a smile, still gazing at the TV.

“Wwhat kind a accusation is that.” You quickly pull at the neck of your hoodie and look down. It is indeed your Wizarding Herbert shirt. “Obvviously a correct one, but I mean my interst in wwizards is totally professional.”

“I could say the same.” Rose looked at him. “Ever hear of a Series called Complacency of the Learned?”

Your jaw gapes slightly as her mouth forms the words. “I write it.”

“That’s ridiculous,” You protest. “I mean I wwould have knowwn by noww surely.”

“I would have thought you might have cottoned on too.” Rose ginned, “You know Roxy… Actually it’ll be funnier if she tells you.” Rose turned up the TV volume to signal the end of the verbal exchange.

After a while you actually settle down and start to enjoy watching the program. This is quickly interrupted by Roxy Lalonde returning home and tripping over the front step.

“Urgh,” Roxy picked herself up off the porch and stumbled inside with what shopping was still in her bags.

You stand you to go help her. “You okay Rox?”

“Eridan, you’re up!” She grins widely, but you’re more distracted by the fresh cut on her cheek.

“Rox you uh, cut yourself here.” You motion to the spot with your hand and she pats the wrong side of her face with her free hand ineffectually.

“Other side,” The cut appears to be pretty deep and you don’t know why she doesn’t feel it. “You got any cotton pads?”

“Need to do your make-up Eridan?” Rose walks by with the items ejected from Roxy’s shopping bag.

“Wwhat? No I gotta dress Rox’s wound ain’t I?”

“There are some in my room, got some first aid stuff in my en suite too.” Roxy drops her shopping. “You good with first aid?”

“Wwell yeah.” You shrug “I had some basic trainin. But I hear you looked after me today so I thought I best return the favvour.”

“Look out Ampora there are ladies nearby, we might very well fall foul of a bad case of the vapours if you keep up this kind of chivalry.” Rose said walking over and punctuating the end of her sentence by catching Roxy who was mock swooning.

“What a Gentleman, why my dearest sister, I thought I may have to spend the rest ah ma days with nothing but a dime to ma name an a bottle ah whisky in my hand.” Roxy said in a southern drawl.

Rose shoves Roxy onto you. “Take her away Darcy.”

“Wwait, wwasn’t Mr Darcy knowwn for not bein a Gentleman at the start?” You place Roxy at an arm’s length away from you.

“It appears you have seen through my clever burn with a basic understanding of Jane Austen.” Rose said raising an eyebrow. “When did you read Pride and Prejudice?”

“Wwe had to read it for English in like year 10 right?”

“I don’t think so.” Roxy said looking up and placing a finger on her chin. “Wasn’t it Romeo and Juliet that year?”

“It would have been great if you wrote essays on Jane Austen for a class on Shakespeare.” Rose, an infamous literary geek, seemed to find this notion amusing.You were just trying to remember what grade you got in year ten English.

“Anywway, wwe should probably get that wound cleaned up.” You turn to Roxy. “Care to lead the way?”

**Roxy: Ascend**

You are now Roxy Lalonde and there is a boy in your room. This is a very rare occurrence indeed truth be told. Unless you count Dirk, but you don’t count Dirk because all you ever did with Dirk in here was talk about Jake Harley.

God you hope Eridan doesn’t start talking about Jake Harley. At the moment he’s using a cotton bud to wipe some kind of anti-bacterial cream into your wound or something. To be honest you weren’t really listening. It stings a bit but judging by the amount of concentration on his face it looks like Eridan’s doing the best he can to minimize it.  
“Is this all necessary?” You ask. “It’s only a small cut I didn’t even feel it.”

Eridan looks embarrassed for a moment. “Wwell I nevver take to many chances, my dad fought on the high seas an the thing that killed him wwasn’t the bullet but the tropical disease which got into his body because a it. I can stop if you like, I guess I am a bit off a hypochondriac when it comes to this stuff.”

“Oh, no, keep going if you feel that way, sorry if I brought up something bad there.”

“Nah your probably right.” Eridan starts to put the various creams and solutions around him back into the bright red first aid box. Then you realise that once he has put away the that stuff you have no new to topic to turn conversation to. You panic and try to think of something. The weather? No that’s stupid you can’t talk to a living breathing boy who is in your room about the weather. Jake Harley? No you would rather die.

Eridan stands up and you have no idea what to do. “Nice Harley we’re having isn’t it?” Godammit Roxy. You had a boy in your room. A BOY. You really screwed it up there.

“Wwhat?” Eridan looks at you his head tilted slightly. “I didn’t make out wwhat you just said.”

“NOTHING.” You say a lot louder than is required. Eridan cocks his head slightly and turns to leave. “WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING.”

“Wwhoa chill rox, I’m just puttin the first aid stuff awway. You feelin okay? The crazy virus get in through that wound? I knew I should a started with the mental cream first.”

You shake your head and he looks at you for a second before turning into your en suite. You exhale. Okay Lalonde get this together, it’s a boy, wow, they exist. It’s not even a boy you like that much, you’ve barley ever even spoken to him. It is no big deal. You can do this. Rose has given the Lalondes quite the reputation. Just do what she does. Calm, Stoic & Uncaring. Wait, you're awful at being any of those things. What would Jane do? She'd probably dally around the suject for two years. Okay not a good example. Dirk? What would Dirk do. Wait no that's just more being calm and stoic. Jake? Wait, no Harley's ruined every relationship he's ever been in by virtue of how he deals with social situations. Feferi? Uhh, I think she met sollux after saving him from some life-threatening incident, seems a bit rash to throw one of those. Nepeta? Wait. Why are you so obsessed with relationship advice? It's just Eridan, no-one even likes the guy. I mean what did he ever do for you? Got drunk? Wait, that was your fault actaully. Oh no he's coming back. Come on Roxanne, think of a subject which isn't Jake's butt quickly.

Eridan enters the room again and sits back down on the floor opposite you. You fail to think of a subject other than Jake's butt. “Thanks for looking after me Rox.” He says after a pause, looking down, “I must have been a lot of work.”

“Oh you were.” You giggle, “But to be honest it was my duty to make sure that you didn’t do anything stupid.”

“Heh. I was probably worse last night though, I only read one of the chat logs an that was bad enough, I hate to think what I sent to Nep or Vris or” his voice catches and he breaks eye contact with you.

“or Feferi?” You offer. He nods solemnly. He looks back up and tries to hold on to a stoic demeanour but it’s pretty futile. His hands are shaking slightly. This isn’t a side of Eridan Ampora you thought you’d see. You never really knew him but from what your friends said about him, you expected something different, someone a lot angrier for a start.

“I see you’re a Herberthead,” Eridan says pointing at a large Wizarding Herbert poster behind you.

“Wait you know about wizarding Herbert?” You say quickly.

“Uhh yeah.” Eridan says unzipping the front of his hoodie to reveal a T-shirt with “Wizading Herbert” in a large green font emblazoned on it. “I just heard form Rose that she reads it, I thought you might not do, seein as you have that whole sister rivalry thing going on. Also she told me she writes Complacency a the learned. Is that right?”

You nod, bewildered. This is another side of Eridan Ampora you thought you’d never see. He’s into wizard fics? He’s into YOUR wizard fics? He’s so into YOUR wizard fics he bought one of those 100 t-shirts you got made when you were drunk then sold when you were sober a week later for quite the exuberate amount?

“Wwoww at this rate, it’s gonna turn out you wwrite wwizardin Herbert. Hell I wwouldn’t put it past you after gettin to knoww you a little better.”

“Yeah,” You giggle, “About that.”

“No.”

“Yeah actually.”

Eridan’s posture says it all as he slumps forwards, head hitting the carpet. “I’ve decided the universe really has it in for me.”

You pat him on the head slightly. “It’s okay, we all find out that our favourite writers have been sitting in our English classes for the past 3 years at some point in our lives.”

You both laugh. “Has that actually happened before?”

“You’d be surprised actually. Rose read some of Kanaya’s “Vampires of the Learned” Fan-fiction and talked to her about it, not knowing she wrote it, that was when Kan learned about Roses hobby too.”

“Wwait I read that fic. Kan wwrote that? I didn’t even knoww kan likes Complacency.” Eridan rubbed his brow. “Don’t I knoww anythin about people wwho I’vve known for 5 years at all?”

“To be fair we had no idea you were such a fan of wizards either. You never really gave us any indication you did. Well you never really gave us any indication you were anything other than a massive douche, no offense.”

“Wwell I guess so. I guess I’vve givven a lot a people a reason to think I am a douche though, wwith a pretty high concentration a that bein last night.” Eridan sighed.

You wince. “Sorry about that.”

“Come on Rox, you wwrite my favourite wwizard fic an you looked after me an let me sleep the day awway on your couch, you’ve done more than enough for me to forgivve you a thousand times ovver.”

“Do you think It’ll have that much of an effect.”

“I’m one hundred per cent certain it wwill. My friends don’t forget that kinda thing, but maybe spendin some time awway is a good idea.”

“You could spend time with my friends instead. They’re forgiving and I don’t think you could have messaged many of them.”

“Only Rose.” Eridan checked his phone. “Oh an Vvris, Kar an Kan they hang around wwith you guys sometimes right?”

“So you never hit on Jake or anything?”

“Gimmie some credit Rox.” Eridan said putting his phone back in his jeans. “I mean I might havve done if it wwasn’t for the fact fuckin half the school wwas anywway.”

“Yeah you tend to stick to the unpopular people like Vriska and Feferi.”

“Hehe, I guess you got me there.” Eridan looked around your room until his eyes stopped at the sight of your video games. “That’s a lotta consoles.”

“I guess,” You shrug turning your back to look at them. “You play much?”

“Nah, Dad nevver let me play vvideo games.” Eridan shrugged. “He wwas much more of a train your son to snipe at age 9 kinda Dad.”

You pick up two Gamecube pads and chuck one to Eridan. “Consider this your education.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting chapters in the dead of night is never a good idea.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lalondes house guest leaves and a new nuisance arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the Veiws and Kudos guys and gals. It means a lot!

**Eridan: Win the Game**

You did it you won the game.

“In your FACE!” you shout thrusting your arms into the air.

Roxy throws a pillow at your face. “I’d call it beginners luck but we’ve been playing this game for three hours now. So I think my advantage of being actually good at video games might be getting a bit smaller, I say we switch to a new game.” Roxy hops off her bed.

“Wwhatevver Rox, you just wwish you had the kind a skills I was born wwith.” You grab your tropical fruit punch juice box and take a sip. For some reason despite the size of her fridge the only drink Roxy had in her room with a lower than two per cent alcohol content were a bunch of these brightly coloured juice cartons. “Anywway I don’t wwant to outstay my wwelcome. I should probably head home.”

“Eridan, a couple of hours ago you said you had no idea where you lived and I highly doubt you even know where you are now. I’ll take you home in the morning. I want to beat you at Smash Wizards first.”

Beat you she does after demanding that the game be best of 5 then best of 7, 9, 11, 13 you get in a win. “I’m gonna turn the tables on you now Lalonde.” You grin and look at the girl. Her hair is being held back off her face by a lavender hairband which looks like it belongs to Rose, and her tongue sticks out of the left of her mouth slightly. Concentration coats her face eyes locked on the screen and she’s hunched forwards as though she’s going to pounce on the game itself.

“Pick your character Ampora!” She half shouts, eyes not moving from the screen, restlessly tapping the A button.

The match is close but you manage to scrape a victory. “Wwhats wwrong rox, don’t like bein beaten by a guy?”

Roxy glares at you “Do you think this is a game?” her lips curl into a scowl.

“uh.”

“Because that is exactly what it is.” Roxy laughs at your reaction slightly. “But I’m going to beat you regardless.”

This match isn’t nearly as close fought and you win by quite a margin. Roxy merely shouts “Again.” You win this match too, in fact you win the next three afterwards, leaving the score at a 6-6 tie.

Roxy is clearly perturbed by the events unfolding. It’s both adorable and hilarious, you have every intention to see what she’s like once you take the lead.

The thirteenth match isn’t close at all as Roxy Lalonde beats your virtual wizard to a pulp. “YEAH.” She shouts, throwing her hands up in victory. You throw the pillow back at Roxy’s head. But she dodges it and counters with a speedy backhanded pillow straight to your face, catching you off guard and off balance. Roxy appears to have taken your actions as a challenge and soon the pillow you threw her joins the other one on your face.

Pulling the ballistics off your face, you throw a double pillow barrage at your opponent who bats one away in mid-air and catches the other. A pillow goes straight for your face but you’re prepared this time, so you catch it between your hands. However Roxy is quick on the follow up and hits you around the head with her feathery weapon and sweeps your leg, dropping the soft instrument of your defeat onto you, as if to declare victory.

You cannot hope to beat Roxy Lalonde in pillow warfare, she is simply the best there is.

Rose opens the door and peers into the room. “What are you two doing?” her eyes move to your defeated corpse and then to Roxy who has struck a dramatic and heroic pose. “Roxy please try not to break the house guest.” Rose raises her eyebrow an inch. “You wonder why you never have any boys in your room.”

You blush slightly and you steal a glimpse at Roxy who’s cheeks have flushed the slightest amount also. Roxy instantaneously regains her posture. “I don’t think you want to cross swords with me on this topic ‘Countess Lalonde’.”

Rose blinks and turns to leave. “As you were.”

Roxy bursts into laughter.

“Wwhats all that about?”

“I couldn’t possibly say. Anyway, I think it might be time for bed, take any one of the spare rooms.” Roxy yawns and throws her pillows back onto her bed.

“Alright, night Rox.”

“Goodnight, Mr Ampora.”

** Roxy: Give Mr Ampora a good morning greeting. **

Eridan’s gone. The bed he was sleeping in is made better than it was the night prior and in lieu of a boy there is a note.  
You pick it up and read it:

You drop the note back onto the bed. There were a few things you wanted to talk to him about this morning, but you decide they can wait until he gets home. You quickly calculate that he probably live within a half hour’s walk to college and it takes you a good quarter hour to drive, so it can’t take him any less than an hour to get home, possibly more.

Downstairs Rose is doing some knitting.

“Did you see Eridan before he went?” You ask?

“No, I’ve only been up for about 20 minutes. He would have probably been long gone.” Rose’s needles click and clack over her speech. “He an early riser that one.”

“Said something about a military dad, that’s probably where it came from.” You pull out your phone and check the time. It’s ten thirty. “When do you think he’ll get home?”

“Someone’s excited to talk to someone,” Rose leans to the side of the table, you realise she’s talking to Mutie who is currently playing with some of Roses wool.

“It’s not like that,” you sigh, “I just want to make up for him embarrassing himself in front of his friends.”

“Roxy, that guy makes a fool of himself every day.”

“But a different kind of fool, right? Honestly I spent a couple of hours with hi yesterday and I still can’t figure out if I was mistaken in thinking he was some kind of scumbag before, or if I just wasn’t seeing it at that moment. But he acted like the perfect gentleman and I wanted to be mad at him for upsetting Nepeta and for being antagonistic to you and for obsessing over Feferi. But I can’t. He, urgh, he just doesn’t make any sense.”

Rose has stood up and pulls you into an embrace. “It’s okay not like someone you friends don’t Roxy. I’m not going to begrudge you it and I highly doubt Feferi or Nepeta will.” She pulls away and mock wipes her eyes, patting you on the head. “My lil’ rox is growin up.”

“I don’t like him like that.”

“Do you normally have pillow fights with people you don’t like ‘like that’?”

“Well no, but that’s only because Jane is the only person I think I’ve ever had a pillow fight with before. Correlation does not imply causation, and besides you can’t get a correlation from a single data point.”

“I have taught you well.”

Your conversation is interrupted by a familiar tone. Someone is pestering you.

Oh god, not this guy.

carcinoGenticist (CG) began pestering tipsyGnostic (TG)  
CG: HEY LALONDE  
CG: IS AMPORA THERE? I NEED TO TALK TO THAT ARSEHOLE.  
TG: I’m fine Karkat thanks for asking.  
TG: He left earlier this morning.  
CG: WHAT YOU JUST LET HIM GO?  
CG: DID YOU NOT SEE THAT GUY? HE’S A FUCKING PUBLIC MENACE LIKE THAT. WITH HIS GOD AWFUL NICE GUY ROUTINE, FAKE APOLOGISING TO EVERYONE  
CG: THEN WITH THAT HOODIE. WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO? MAKE PEOPLE THINK HE’S NOT OBSESSED WITH HOW HE LOOKS. BECAUSE HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE TOO FUCKING LATE ON THAT ONE.  
TG: Karkat, stfu.  
TG: srsly  
TG: u need to chill man  
CG: HOW CAN I WHEN ADMIRAL HIPSTER GLASSES HIMSELF IS WANDERING AROUND FREELY?  
TG: he was just drunk man.  
TG: thats what drink does to ya  
TG: havent any of you guys ever had a drunk  
TG: *drink  
CG: WELL WE’RE NOT ALL FUCKING FLOOSY BITCHES LIKE YOU LALONDE. I FOR ONE DON’T HAVE A CRUSH ON MY FUCKING COUSIN WHICH I HAVE TO EXPRESS BY CONSTANTLY HARRASSING HIM, OR MAKE UP FOR MY MOMMY ISSUES LIKE TREATING MY SISTER AS A PROXY MOTHER. SO MAYBE THAT’S WHY THE REST OF US DON’T DRINK.  
CG: BECAUSE WE’RE SANE  
TG: FUCK YOU.  
tipsyGnostalgic(TG) Blocked carcinoGenticist (CG)

You throw your phone at the wall. You’re literally shaking with anger. “How dare he.” You whisper. You kick out at the sofa. “How dare he.” You repeat your voice rising. You grab a figure of a wizard and lift it up to throw it at the floor. “HOW FUCKING DARE HE!”

Your arm is caught by your sister, who pulls you into a hug, much like she did earlier, but now it’s not sarcastic Rose, it’s sympathetic caring Rose. She’s wearing a bright orange hoodie made of pyjama type material and you bury your face into it. Rose calmly and repeatedly whispers “shooosh” into your ear. Tears form in your eyes and you pull Rose closer, desperately grasping for emotional purchase.

You stay like this for a good 5 minutes before you pull away. Rose wipes your eyes with the back of her hand.

“Who was that?” Her voice is always calm, but it was times like this when you got a real sense of tenderness coming through.

“Karkat.”

“What did he say?”

“He called me a drunken floozy, insulted Dirk and Eridan then told me I was using you as a replacement mum.” You look away from Rose’s gaze and sniffle slightly.

“Do you want to go back to bed?”

“No, I need to talk to Eridan still.” You wipe your eyes.

“I’ll tell him to message you. Go get some rest. Kanaya’s coming over tonight, we can all sit in and watch a movie. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“And no drinking.” Rose hugs you again. “Now off to bed, pip pip.”

You march upstairs throw off your shirt and collapse on your bed. The tears keep coming.

**Rose: Make him pay.**

tentacleTherapist (TT) starting pestering carcinoGenticist (CG)

TT: Mr Vantas.  
TT: I am not sure if you know what happens to people who cause Roxy emotional distress.  
TT: I can assure you it is not pretty however.  
TT: You might want to talk to Kanaya about that one.

tentacleTherapist (TT) ceased pestering carcinoGenticist (CG)

CG: OH FUCK.  
CG: OH GOD I’M SUCH AN ARSEHOLE.

tentacleTherapist (TT) starting pestering carcinoGenticist (CG)

TT: True. But it doesn’t change anything.  
TT: Roxy is the most important person in my life and if you think I’m going to let anyone talk to her like you did.  
TT: That is an almost hilarious act of naivety.  
TT: Goodbye Mr Vantas.

tentacleTherapist (TT) blocked carcinoGenticist (CG)

He’ll stew in that one for a while you think.

tentacleTherapist (TT) starting pestering grimAuxiliatrix (GA)

TT: Good morning Kanaya.  
GA: Ahh Rose To What Do I Owe The Honour  
TT: There needs to be a change in plan I am afraid.  
TT: Could you come here tonight rather than I go out.  
GA: I Do Not See That Being A Problem No  
GA: Although I Do Feel Compelled To Wonder What Has Caused This Change Of Heart  
TT: Kanaya, need you really ask.  
GA: Roxanne I Presume  
TT: It’s always Roxy.  
GA: Your Love For Her Is Nothing But Admirable Rose  
TT: Thank you Kanaya, but I so feel bad for putting her above you.  
GA: Nonsense Rose You Are The Most Reasonable And Trustworthy Person I Know  
GA: You Would Not Do It Without Good Reason I Presume  
TT: Karkat is the reason in case you were wondering. He brought up the M word and claimed she was trying to fill the mother shaped hole in her life with me.  
GA: Ahh Karkat Is Not The Most Sensitive Person To Peoples Feelings I Must Admit  
GA: Should I Mediate Between Them  
TT: I don’t think that should be needed Miss Maryam, but thank you for the offer.  
TT: Oh Eridan is online, I need to talk to him.  
TT: I’ll talk later. <3  
GA: Less Than Three  
TT: Kanaya.  
TT: I love that you stick to the no punctuation quirk so much that you type that. <3  
GA: You Sound Like Roxy  
TT: I think it’d be best for all of us if we sounded like Roxy once in a while.  
GA: Haha I Cant Argue With That  
GA: But You Mustnt Keep Mr Ampora Waiting Any Longer  
TT: Good bye Kanaya  
GA: Good Bye Rose

tentacleTherapist (TT) ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix (GA)


	4. Chapter 4

**Eridan: Return Home.**

Two hours after setting out, you return home triumphantly. By which you mean you don’t punch or slam any doors in frustration. Hey, it’s the little victories that count right? You pop into your living room to throw Augustus and Julius some food and head upstairs, turn on your computer then head for a shower.

You return to find three messages on Trollian waiting for you from Rose, Karkat and Sollux. You decide on having the most likely to be good news first and open up Rose’s message:

tentacleTherapist (TT) starting pestering caligulasAquarium (CA)

TT: Good morning Eridan. I believe my sister had something she wished to discuss with you. Could you message her when she comes online?  
CA: hey rose  
CA: sure  
CA: wwhy didn’t she ask this herself though  
TT: Alas my dear sister fell victim to the words of a pathetic troll and has had to spend the morning in bed.  
CA: wwait wwhat?  
TT: Karkat said some, insensitive things, to her and she is very upset.  
CA: he’s messaged me too  
TT: Do be careful, I don’t know how I could take another friend falling victim to him.  
TT: Also, it’d be pretty bad if you fell victim to him.  
CA: ha fuckin ha  
CA: sorry about howw I used to treat you again by the wway  
TT: Apology accepted.  
TT: You should probably respond to Short Stuff. You know how he is.  
CA: vvery true  
CA: seeya rose  
TT: Good day Mr Ampora.

caligulasAquarium (CA) ceased pestering tentacleTherapist (TT)

carcinoGenticist (CG) starting pestering caligulasAquarium (CA)

CG: HEY  
CG: ERIDAN WE NEED TO TALK  
CA: hey  
CA: wwhat about?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK TO YOU THINK ABOUT ARSEHOLE.  
CG: YOU BROKE THE TERMS OF OUR PACT.  
CA: so did you  
CG: I SAID NO TEARING THE GROUP APART.  
CA: you also said you wwould fuckin look out for me in the romance department  
CA: i’vve been helpin you wwith ter right  
CA: but i say one damn thing to nep an suddenly im public enemy number one in your eyes  
CG: YOU DEMANDED SHE FUCKING DATE YOU, THEN WHEN SHE SAID NO YOU WENT FUCKING HYSTERICAL.  
CA: it wwasn’t that bad  
CG: IT REALLY “WWAS”.  
CG: YOU JUST DON’T GET SOCIAL SITUATIONS DO YOU, YOU’RE A FUCKING INCOMPETANT, SOME LOSER WHO DOES WHATEVER SOME DRUNK BITCH TELLS HIM TO DO HE’S THAT FUCKING EAGER TO GET SOME.  
CA: kar I knoww you’vve got something against rox but don’t drag her into this  
CG: WHAT AM I INSULTING THE NEW OBJECT OF YOUR AFFECTIONS? DIDN’T TAKE YOU LONG TO DROP NEPETA DID IT.  
CA: WWILL YOU JUST FUCK OFF A8OUT NEPETA OKAY?  
CA: I DON’T NEED TO BE REMINDED A8OUT MY FUCKIN FAILURES EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR  
CA: WWHY ARE YOU 8EING SUCH A SHITTY FRIEND RIGHT NOWW?  
CA: ESPECIALLY ROXY WWHAT HAS SHE EVVEN EVVER DONE TO YOU?  
CG: SHE MADE THIS WHOLE THING WORSE  
CA: NO FUCK THAT  
CA: I MADE IT WORSE  
CA: I’M THE 8AD GUY  
CA: IT’S ME  
CG: ERIDAN ARE YOU.  
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?  
CG: FUCK YOU’RE RIGHT. I AM BEING A SHTTY FRIEND RIGHT NOW AREN’T I?  
CA: kind of yeah  
CG: IT’S JUST NEPETA  
CG: SHE TOLD ME HER FEELINGS  
CA: wwhat about me?  
CG: NO UH, ABOUT ME.  
CG: SHE SAYS SHE LIKE ME. QUITE A LOT.  
CG: AND I THINK I MIGHT LIKE HER BACK.  
CA: so wwhat you’re tellin me is that nep’s fuckin head over heels for ya and you’vve been prejudice against me to stay on her good side  
CA: wwoww classy shit karkat  
CA: i hope she’s fuckin wworth it  
CA: because she wwasn’t to me  
CA: not wworth losin my best friend ovver.  
CG: ERIDAN, SHIT, I’M SORRY. LOOK I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAS COME OVER ME THIS MORNING. YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY REALLY UPSET. JEGUS. I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU DO THE THING WITH THE 8’S SINCE VRISKA. UH, SINCE WHEN VRISKA DUMPED YOU.  
CA: wwait  
CA: fuck i thought I had kicked that fuckin habit  
CG: LOOK I’M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID, AND WHAT I SAID TO ROXY TOO. CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?  
CA: not right noww wwe can’t i don’t think probably best if we keep our distance for a bit  
CA: i’ll message you when i’m ready to talk again okay?  
  
caligulasAquarium (CA) blocked carcinoGenticist (CG)

CG: SHIT

You sit with your head in your hands. You have to feel betrayed after something like that right? You fail to summon up enough emotion to really get worked up about it, just another side effect of the emotional block-up you’ve been going through.

You felt like you were free of it with Roxy though. You decide to message her straight away when she comes on. In the meantime however, you have an outstanding peterchum message.

caligulasAquarium (CA) blocked twinArmageddons (TA)

Might as well clear out the rest:

caligulasAquarium (CA) blocked arsenicCatnip (AC)  
caligulasAquarium (CA) blocked arachnidsGrip (AG)  
caligulasAquarium (CA) blocked cuttlefishCuller (CC)  
caligulasAquarium (CA) blocked centaursTesticle (CT)  
caligulasAquarium (CA) blocked apocalypseArisen (AA)  
caligulasAquarium (CA) blocked adiosToreador (AT)  


You leave Terezi, Kanaya and Gamzee unblocked; if anyone wants to contact you they can do it through the three people who hate you least you figure.

You pull up your web browser and wait for Roxy to come on. “Le sign.” You mutter.

 

**Roxy: Get on Pesterchum**

Your name is Roxy Lalonde and you are really hungry. Checking the clock by your bed it’s 5pm on Saturday. “Great,” you mutter, not completely enthusiastic about having missed a good quarter of your weekend. Best go down to the kitchen and get some food before you subject yourself to the emotional trials of instant messaging.

Your sister appears to have been busy. Your living room is in a state you can only describe as “not likely to have major accidents with expensive lab equipment” which is a marked improvement over its normal “I just tripped over a centrifuge” state.

Also of note the closest thing you have to a family is currently sitting on your sofa. Rose presides in the middle of the couch curled slightly into the tall figure of her girlfriend Kanaya and flanked on the other side by your cousins Dave who is slouched on the sofa so much he is basically lying and Dirk who sits with his arms crossed and face its usual stoic expression.

Kanaya is the first to notice you. “Good Afternoon Roxy.” She raises her hand in greeting. Her voice is calm and precise, matching her appearance and general attitude towards everything. Kanaya is one of the only people you know who comes as a set, every bit of her matches every other one, quite the opposite of most of your blood family. She’s quite striking in regard to the rest of your family in many ways when you think about it actually. Her interests’ aside, her slim figure is certainly quite different to the thick built Striders and the remarkably averagely built Lalondes. Her short dark brown hair a the opposite to the mix of blondes the Strider-Lalondes are all born with, less styled than the meticulously preened Striders and yet much more than the Lalondes (who have been known to occasionally do something with their hair once every blue moon.) Despite this she’s basically become a part of the family since she and Rose began dating three years ago.

Rose, Dave and Dirk all say their respective “Hello”, “Sup?” and “Hey” as they turn to look at you. All three of them wear white t-shirts with some kind of symbol in the middle, which for reasons you don’t really understand has become kind of a thing in your friendship group, in fact you’re wearing a similar one yourself right now. Kanaya is even wearing a plain black t-shirt with Rose’s symbol in jade green on it. Your friends are kind of dorks.

“What’s going on here?” You ask walking down the stairs and sitting between Dave and Dirk.

“It’s Karkat Vantas appreciation day didn’t you get the memo?” Dave says, “We thought that everyone’s favourite motherfucker needed to be recognized.”

This comment earned its speaker a swift blow to the arm courtesy of Rose. “Thought you might need a bit of a pick me up, Rose told us how you reacted to Vantas’ comments earlier.” Dirk said taking a swig of Orange soda.  
  
“This really isn’t necessary though. I just kind of overreacted.”

“Roxy as you probably know Karkat is one of my closest friends,” Kanaya began. “but the comments he made to you were frankly unacceptable. You did nothing of the sort.”

“Uh, but do you really have to fuss over it that much. Sticks and stones right?”

Kanaya opened her mouth to respond but rose cut her off. “Yes. I’ve invited some more guests too. John, Jade, Jake, Jane, Eridan and Terezi should be coming soon enough.”

“Yeah, we’re gonna make you have fun, whether you want to or not!” Dave smirks. “But we should probably choose a movie before Egbert gets here, we want to make Roxy feel better about the world, not worse.”

“How about an Erin Porter flick?” Dirk suggests. “Got plenty of Wizards for the Lalondes, Vampires for Maryam, plenty of irony for us Striders, Jane and Jade like them too, and Jake’s pretty indiscriminate with his movie going.”

“So the only one who’s not happy is Egbert?” Dave muses. “I like it, which one’s the best?”

Dave’s question is met with a cold silence as the gazes of the other four members of the conversation come upon him.

 

**Dave: resolve tensions.**

You’ve gone and done it, you’ve thrown down the world’s biggest dirtiest gauntlet right in the middle of Butler Island and now there are four butlers who all want to tidy that thing up and reign supreme as the butler king.

Rose weighs in first. “I don’t think that any of them really compare to the original.”

“Well I think that the third has the best plot.” Kanaya responds.

“Well the seventh has the best action and the most is at stake.” Dirk replied.

It’s like the grand final of the sports here you decide, Roxy has three pitches from all the bases and now she has to score a pretty good goal if she wants to get a 10 from the judges.

“I think that the sixth.” Roxy tees off, “Has the best characterisation.” She says dribbling her argument past first. “I think it’s pretty well rounded in every aspect.” She makes it to second for a half-rounder. “It’s also the funniest.” She says reaching the ten yard box. “Also its Jane’s favourite.” She scores and the sports crowd goes wild and she wins the FA six nations league cup for good performance in sports.

 “She makes the best argument.” You announce. “Mainly because it was longer than once sentence I think. Any objections to six?”

Everyone shakes their head. “Good, because it wouldn’t have made any sort of difference. This is Rox’s night and it makes sense she pick the film.”

Conversation turns to the upcoming final exams, which have been “upcoming” for a good 3 months and are still a good 3 months away. They simply don’t strike you as very final either seeing as you have another good year at college after them anyway.

Conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the four j club and, oh god Egbert and Harley have both got duffel bags full of movies. Maybe they can be used later as body bags for the casualties of the upcoming film wars they themselves will start. Like a war between undertakers using coffins to keep their bombs in.

The new guests all attempt to squeeze onto and around the couch, Jade sits between you and Dirk, John and Jake sit your feet and Jane sits between Roxy and Rose. “So what, I get to be right behind the two film nuts.” You sigh. Jade gives a little giggle and John turns around and pokes out his tongue. Adorable bastard.

“So what movie are we going to watch chaps?” Jake Harley asks in the kind of way which would make any anglophile swoon.

“Erin Porter six.” Jane says. “I’m with Dave on the no arguing front.” You reach over and give her a fist bump. “Oh also I brought a cake.”

“Don’t worry Roxy, it’s not a batterwitch recipe.” John says.

“I don’t know why you freak out about it so much.” Jane frowns. “Feferi’s fine with me being the heiress, why aren’t you.”

“I’m not jealous of running the stupid company, it’s just I’m pretty sure it’s evil. Dirk you agree right?”

Dirk nods. “Yeah the fact you aunt died and now betty has you down as the new CEO seems pretty suspect to me.”

“Also notice how much they’ve moved out of baking?” Roxy says. “It’s like they’re a few steps away from controlling the media.”

“You are all spoilsports.” Jane says “If Fef was here she’d back me up.”

“Where are old Fefeta by the way?” Jake asks, “I thought they would be here.”

“Uh, well I haven’t spoken to Feferi or Nepeta since the Eridan debacle.” Roxy looks down to the floor. “I thought they might blame me or something.”

“I doubt Nepeta would want to come to a party which is in part about Karkat being a douchenozzle either.” You remark.

“Oh yes, Karkat! He’s normally at these fil-“ Dirk knees Jake in the back of the head.

“Oh god, I forgot about Nepeta’s crush on Karkat.” Roxy says. “But surely she could find some middle ground right?”

“She might not be so inclined to anymore actually.” Rose spoke up. “Karkat and Nepeta are dating now.”

“Wait. What? I thought Karkat was interested in Terezi?” Roxy rubs her head. “Jegus what happened over one day?”

“Well the reason Karkat was so agitated this morning was he was annoyed with Eridan making his girlfriend upset. Unfortunately he took it out in the worst possible way.” Kanaya remarked.

“Yeah, he really hurt you and Terezi this morning and cut himself off from one of his closest friends. For someone who sees himself as social glue he’s kinda tearing up people’s relationships more than the people he is accusing of doing so. Like Eridan’s always been a hopeless douche-” You get interrupted by Roxy giving your arm its second dosage of Lalonde punishment. “What?”

“Eridan’s not a douche don’t just judge him like that.”

“Whoa chill your raging lady boner Rox.”

A couple of people giggle. “Do you 'havve a thing' for admiral douchescar?” Jane asks emulating Eridan’s accent.

“WE ARE GETTING OFF TRACK. DAVE RESUME IN A MANNER WHICH IS NOT DISRESPECTFUL TO ERIDAN IF YOU WILL.”

“Uh.” You’ve never seen Roxy so feverously deny something before, not even that weird crush she used to have on your bro. “Anyway, Eridan’s always been a hopeless loser but still a nice guy so I hear.” You look to Roxy for confirmation and she gives a slight nod. “So nothing’s changed there, and Roxy always gives people bad advice on Thursdays due to being a drunkard.” You smirk at your cousin.

Roxy motions to resume hitting you, but is soon stopped by the arrival of Eridan and Terezi.

“Speak of the devil.” Kanaya says, and Roxy throws her a glance “Which is a common turn of phrase not a comment on Eridan’s debateable level of douche.”

“Thanks Kan.” Eridan says. He’s wearing a purple hoodie over a plain black shirt with some violet symbol it, sort of a toned down version of his normal look. “Hey guys sorry we’re late, I kneww I shouldn’t a let Ter drive.”

“Really funny Eridan.” Terezi says. “Luckily for you I have a restriction on the number of cane drubbings I can give you and used up a lion’s share during the walk.”

Terezi jumps over the sofa with the precision of a sniper, very impressive for a blind girl. Eridan attempts a similar procedure but Terezi trips him up with her cane.

Eridan’s pratfall is absurd and as he leaves the ground he engages in a 180 degree turn over the sofa. The amount of air he gets is unreal and you really wished you had a ruler. He lands with his feet over the side of the sofa and his head on the floor.

John and Jane the group’s resident pranksters burst into laughter, along with Terezi who cackles in her usual slightly sinister manner.  
You tap at Eridan’s head with the side of your shoe. “You okay 'Dan?”

“OH YEAH I’M JUST FUCKIN GREAT AIN’T I?” Eridan attempts to pick himself up, but only falls down again. “Wwhatevver I’ll just wwatch the movvie like this.”

Roxy smiles and offers him a hand up, which he takes.

"Is everyone settled down now?" Rose asks. "Good. Then let's start."


	5. Chapter 5

**Eridan: Make the most amazing nachos in the world**

You’re damn right you will.

“Rox throww me the cheese wwill ya?”

“Hell no, I’m not gonna help you. Get the cheese yourself.”

“I don’t think that a vvictory obtained through bein a bitch is a vvictory atoll.”

“Atoll?”

“It’s a ocean pun I can make ocean puns if I wwant too.”

“It’s cuter when Feferi does it.”

You snatch the cheese from roxy and begin to grate it carefully onto the plate.

“Anywway I’m here to schoolfeed you about makin nachos, cause I’m insulted you think it’s as simple as cheese an chips.”

“Well it’s obviously more than that, but what I have and you don’t is the woman’s touch and as we know that automatically makes food better.”

“That’s some bs right there. I’m going to make these nachos so damn delicious you’re gonna be sufferin from gender identity crisis’s.”

Roxy sticks her tongue out at you and opens the oven. You had watched the first movie already and then got in quite the heated discussion about tortilla chips, leading to it becoming a competition. She, of course, doesn’t stand a chance.

You both place your nachos into the oven and shake hands.

“Best a luck Lalonde.”

“Likewise Ampora.”

Dirk walks into the kitchen. “You guys want in on the debate for the next movie?” He reaches into the fridge and pulls out some orange soda.

“Wwhat, you gotta be kiddin right? That place is fuckin battlefield, a eternal war which the forces a good are destined to lose.”

“You’re right on that one bro.” Dirk takes a swig of his soda. “Thought Rox should have some input though.”

“I guess.” Roxy shrugs. “Dirk, make sure that guy doesn’t sabotage the nachos.”

“Rox I am insulted, I can beat you wwithout resortin to such lowwbroww tactics.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him don’t worry.” Dirk places one of his muscular arms around your shoulder then pulls you into a headlock. “He’s not going anywhere.”

Roxy leaves and Dirk eases up his grip. “So how’s things Ampora?”

“Wwell as you probably knoww, I’vve screwwed up pretty badly wwithin my friendship group an noww most a them wwon’t talk to me. But other than that pretty swwell. Yourself?”

“I’ve been worse. But there is something I think we need to talk about.” His face turns from stoic to stern. “What are your intentions with my cousin?”

“Rox?” You tap your chin thoughtfully. “She’s smart, funny, beautiful an caring. An wway too good for a chump like me. And evven if she wweren’t objectivvely wway outta my league, wwhy wwould she wwant a date me wwhen I’vve already screwwed up so badly wwith twwo of her best friends?”

“So you’re interested in her, but you don’t think she is interested in you?” Dirk places a hand on your shoulder. “Well just in the case you’re wrong, don’t hurt Roxy alright? She’s made some poor decisions on whom to like in the past and they’ve hurt her, I mean people who would never actually want to hurt Roxy, but can’t help but do it.” There is a slight hint of threat in his voice but it’s barely audible over the distinct sound of pleading.

“Dirk, I’m sure she forgivves you.” You place a hand on dirks and lift him off your shoulder which he was involuntary squeezing. “Don’t wworry I wwon’t hurt Roxy because I’m not interested. I need a friend right noww I think, not a lovver.”

“Great” Dirk smiles at you, “because if you hurt her I’ll come for you.” His expression turns stern once again.

A silence descends but is interrupted by the oven beeping and Roxy Lalonde bursting into the room.

“He was perfectly well behaved Roxy, don’t worry.” Dirk says, clearly used Roxy’s antics. “What film's next? I don’t know if Egbert or Harley getting their way would be worse.”

Roxy opened the oven and pulled out the two sets of nachos. “Harley won, but not the one you were talking about?”

“Jade?” You ask. “Wwhat movie did she wwant to wwatch?”

“She found some of Roses old Squiddle movies and she said we should watch those for the nostalgia and _IRONY._ ” She turns to Dirk as she says the last word.

“Wwoww, it’s been a wwhile since I wwatched that showw. Although my dad used to root for skipper plumthroat, wwhich I’m pretty sure is the exact opposite a the point.”

Roxy laughs and to your surprise so does Dirk, losing his composure for the first time ever in front of you. “I gotta tell you man, your accent made that whole thing like fifty times as funny.”

“I don’t knoww wwhether to take that as a complement or wwhat.”

“Trust me Eri, take what you can with Dirk. Shall we join the others and see their opinions on the nachos.”

“Eager for your demise? Wwell, I suppose a quick death might be more humane.”

The three of you walk back into the living room.

 

**Roxy: Show Ampora how it’s done.**

Everyone’s tried both plates and are now voting on which one’s better, It’s meant to be anonymous so you, Dirk and Eridan are exempt from voting.

John, the emissary from the nacho council arrives with an urgent telegram, the vote was a 5:2 split in the favour of the red plate.

Wait, that can’t be right.

“Awwwww yeah!” Eridan adopts a victory pose.

“Urgh, some people just don’t have any appreciation for good nachos.” You mutter and grab some of Eridan’s winning plate.

Oh. Oh wow. These are actually really good. Oh god, Eridan’s caught on; he’s just standing there smiling at you.

“Meh,” You roll your eyes with a marked amount of effort. “They’re okay.”

You join the others on the sofa. Eridan sits next to you, but you give him a shove. “I thought you realised the prize for you winning was the honour of sitting on the floor.”

“Wwhat? That’s fuckin stupid.”

“Terezi the documents please.” You turn to Terezi who hands you a contract. “Here, section 13a i. A 6 ‘In the case that Mrs Roxanne Lalonde does not win the nacho off, the prize of Eridan Ampora, shall be to sit on the floor.’ It’s all here signed in triplicate, entirely legally binding.”

Terezi cackles, she had insisted on writing a formal contract out and you unlike your cosignatory had actually read it. You hand Eridan the document.

“Wwhat the hell, this font is really fuckin small and close together. I thought it wwas just a page divider. How do you even read this Ter?”

“I told you about this I have the ability to smell the way ink dries, besides I wrote it on my braille laptop didn’t I?”

“That’s some bs Ter, but wwhatevver, I’m a man a my wword an if I signed some stupid contract, then I’ll do wwhat it says. Kinda more nostalgic sittin on the floor to wwatch the showw anywway.”

“Ooh it is isn’t it!” Jade squealed and moved to sit next to Eridan on the floor. “Remember when we used to sit on the floor and watch this show Rose? Come join us!”

“I don’t think so.” Rose deadpans.

“I think you should Rose, this is how the two of you started your friendship right? I’ll join you too.” Kanaya moves onto the floor.

“Fine, but I subscribe to the Strider way of watching this show. Only ironically.” Rose stands up from the sofa with a clear amount of effort then simply drops to the floor between Eridan and Kanaya.

“Bet you wwish you’d lost now Rox. It’s a fuckin rainboww rumpus jamboree dowwn here!” Eridan leans backwards so his head was on your lap and smiled at you.

Terezi’s signature cackle went off again. “Actually if Rox had won the contract states that you have to sit on the floor as a punishment for losing.”

“So wwait, I couldn’t wwin really?”

“This is why the people who read the contracts they sign always win at the end of the day.” You pat Eridan on the head, his face has turned into what is basically a sulk. “You’re pretty cute when you’ve been betrayed you know.” You smirk.

“I’m not cute I’m terrifyin.” Eridan leans forwards again.

“Nah bro, you’re pretty damn cute.” Dave speaks up.

“This is ridiculous.” Eridan protests.

“Let’s hold a vote. Any objections to Eridan being cute please raise your hand.” Terezi smiles widly.

Eridan, John and Jake raise their hands. “The prosecution sees no objections, motion passes.”

“Wwhat there is clearly objections, are you serious right noww? Also I’m pretty sure you’re mixin you’re metaphors again.”

“The prosecution sees no objections. She’s blind remember?” Terezi laughs again and ruffles Eridans hair. She does that a lot, but it’s actually really endearing. You’ve never spoken much with Terezi Pyrope, the blind girl who got a perfect score on 10 of her GCSE’s without any aid given to her because of her disability. From what you hear she pretty much the smartest person in the college and is notorious for behaving just within the boundaries of the school rules. It's sad every time she does anything which the college doesn’t like she points out how it is still perfectly within the contract she signed when she entered the college and then emails the principal a new draft of that part of the contract a few days later.

“How long have you two known each other?” Jane asks Eridan and Terezi.

“Since primary school, but mostly because wwe wwe’re both friends of vvris and kar.”

“Yeah believe it or not, the biggest bitch and arsehole in the universe are actually the glue which stopped our social circle breaking down.”

“To be fair Ter, out social circle is made up a the biggest assortment of dorks an losers that no-one wants to be friends with.”

Kanaya cleared her throat quite loudly. “Can we watch the children’s cartoon now? I think Jade is about to burst with excitement.”

**Kanaya: Get Trolled by TA**

Rose despite her best efforts has got quite enthralled with the movie and is now discussing it with Jade and Eridan. Dave, Dirk, Roxy and Jane are all riffing on the movie while John and Jake have lost interest all together and are currently discussing the next movie only half an hour into this one.

Your phone beeps to signal some attempt at correspondence by one of your chums.

twinArmageddons (TA) began pestering grimAuxiliatrix (GA)

TA: hey ky  
GA: Good Evening Sollux To What Do I Owe The Pleasure  
TA: ha2 that iidiiot ed blocked you ii need to giive hiim a message.  
GA: I Don’t Believe He Has Blocked Me As A Matter Of Fact  
TA: great, tell hiim two 2tay the fuck away from ff  
GA: Does This Come From Miss Crocker Or From You  
TA: from me but ff need2 2ome 2pace riight now  
TA: ii realii2e it 2uck2 two be ed riight now but he need2 two 2tay away for ff’2 2ake  
GA: Why Do You Have Such An Interest In This Mr Captor  
TA: wow you are 2o fuckiing out of the loop  
TA: ii’ve been dating ff for liike two week2  
GA: Oh  
GA: I Do Find It Hard To Keep Up Yes  
GA: If Its Not A Sore Topic When Did You Break Up With Aradia  
TA: iit ii2 kiind of a 2ore topiic but iit wa2 liike 2 month2 ago, 2he’2 just been gettiing more dii2tant, iit wa2 hurtiing u2 both.  
TA: then 2he 2tarted datiing eq  
GA: Oh I Was Not Aware Of That  
TA: do you want me two 2end you one of np’2 2hiippiing digaram2? ii can 2ubscriibe you two the memo2 too.  
GA: Oh Nepeta Is In Charge Of That  
TA: well 2he made her2elf iin charge of iit diidn’t 2he you know what 2he’2 liike. 2peaking of which ii should probably take off all her 2peculatiion.  
GA: She Trusted You With That Kind Of Document  
TA: well no ii hacked iinto her laptop for practiice and now ii can come and go a2 I plea2e in that 2y2tem.  
GA: Mr Captor That Is Awful  
TA: whatever here2 your diiagram:  
twinArmageddons (TA) sent the file Np22hiippiinggriidwiithoutthegood2tuff.png  
GA: Oh Okay I Assume The Blue Ones Are Relationships Which Are Over  
TA: yeah, vrii2ka2 liine2 pretty full of that colour ii2n’t iit  
GA: Haha  
TA: well ii 2hould be goiing 2ee ya ky  
GA: Good Luck With Feferi By The Way  
TA: Thank2

twinArmageddons (TA) ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix (GA)

You glance over at Eridan, he’s enjoying himself more than you’ve ever seen him do so before. You smile. If there’s anyone who needs a break it’s that guy. You pocket your phone, deciding to give him Sollux’s message later.

You have a feeling everything’s going to turn out okay.


	6. Chapter 6

**Eridan: Live happily ever after.**

That is not going to be possible.

Oh god everything has gone to shit.

 

**Be someone who is not freaking out.**

That’s a bit of a stretch really

You are now Sollux Captor.

 

**Sollux: Assess the situation**

Everything has gone to shit.

That is really all there is to say on the matter.

 

**Be Past Eridan**

How about you be past Karkat instead?

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you have no idea what has happened to your life. Over the past few days you have managed to, despite being the backbone of your social group, hurt three of your friends, two of whom you might have at one point ventured to call your best friends. 

You are also dating Nepeta Leijon which isn’t a thing many people could have really seen coming.

“Hey Karkitty!” Nepeta calls as she opens her front door. You arranged to walk to college together, despite the extra twenty minutes’ walk. But what can you say? You’re a romantic.

“Hey.”You raise a hand slightly in greeting.

Nepeta flings her arms around you and pulls you into a hug. She’s remarkably strong and you find yourself stumbling slightly after she releases you. “You came,” Nepeta seemed delighted by this to the point where she seems to be shaking slightly with excitement, or maybe she just put a bit too much sugar in her tea this morning. “I was worried you wouldn’t and this would all have been a dream.”

“It’s been kind of weird hasn’t it?” You giggle. “If someone told me I’d be walking to college with you this morning as your boyfriend last Wednesday, I probably would have told them to stop smoking whatever that stuff Gamzee has is.”

You reach to take Nepeta’s hand but she stops you. Pulls off her fingerless gloves and returns the gesture. It takes you a moment to understand the reason, simply more skin contact. To be honest you find it pretty childish, yet at the same time you can’t help but find it incredibly cute, you lean down and kiss her quickly on the cheek.

Nepeta flips the fuck out, and you spend the rest of the journey to college being loud, cutesy and generally not your usual self. You can feel as though the little cat girl currently at your arm has caused a sudden change in your attitude, but every now and then your mind wanders to the spectres of Eridan and Terezi.

They had both been very important to you, at one point. You claimed once that you would never love anyone as much as you did Terezi Pyrope, but you had someone else now and the way you announced it, might have not been the best ending note for whatever you and Terezi ever had. Eridan on the other hand, had always seemed like he needed help and as his friend you were happy to oblige. But try as he might to help you in return for you helping him, your relationship was always strained under the weight of all of Eridan’s relationship shit. He does seem to have made friends with the Lalondes though, who you have just alienated yourself from too.

Oh Equius is here.

“Hello Nepeta.” Equius towered over most people but against your 5’6” and Nepeta’s 5’4” his 6’1” was practically a different species. “Hello Vantas.” His voice changed when he said your name.

Equius and Nepeta have been friends since before you knew either of them and as unlikely as it might seem it was a strong friendship; the two of them seemed to act as perfect opposites to each other making sure that their counterpart stayed in line. However you had learned pretty sharpish after announcing that you were dating his best friend that Equius did not really approve of you.

You wouldn’t say you were scared of Equius Zahhak, but you can say with certainty you would not like to be on the receiving end of any attack done by his massive tree trunk arms.

“Hey guys!” You were interrupted by the only person you would ever be less inclined to get on the bad side of than Equius Zanhak.

Vriska Serket’s figure did not seem like a paticularly imposing one at first glance. She was stocky girl, with one muscular arm and the legs of a sprinter however, though that she was lacking one arm and one eye did make her seem less dangerous than an abled bodied person, up close it made her no less threatening. Her face was badly scarred over her right eye behind a heavily customized eye patch and she wore makeup which only seemed to try to attract attention to it.

“Hey Vantas.” She walked up to you and punched you in the face. “That’s for Terezi you chronic asshat.” She turned to Nepeta “Sorry about that.”

“What the fuck was that for.” You half-shout rubbing where Vriska hit you. She scowls.

“For what you did to Terezi, didn’t you hear?” Vriska shot you a glare.

“Why the flying fuck is that of any concern to you Serket?” you grab her by the collar.

“Because she’s my sister and sisters look out for each other.”

“We are talking about the same Terezi Pyrope here right? I have never met anyone as self-absorbed as that girl, apart from maybe you of course. You honestly think she’s going to do the same for you as you did for her?”

“Well maybe she won’t! But I don’t care; if she likes it or not she’s my best friend and anyone who hurts her has to deal with me.” Vriska snarled.

“That’s rich, she your best friend? Isn’t she the girl who’s responsible for that?” You point at her eye patch.

Vriska moves her arm back to hit you but it’s caught by someone.

Oh fuck.

Terezi Pyrope stands before you holding Vriska’s arm in one hand with her cane in the other. She turns to Vriska. “What did I tell you about fighting my battles?” Terezi released her arm

“But you weren’t going to do anything about it.”

“Maybe I didn’t think anything needed doing.”

“What? Terezi Pyrope doesn’t want justice one of the times it is really owed her?”

Terezi swings her cane around from behind her back smacking Vriska in the face and making her fall backwards.

“Karkat” She points at you. “So long as you leave me alone we’re fine.” There is venom in the last word. She’s taunting you and if she thinks she can get away with doing that, she’s got another thing coming.

“Whatever, psycho.”

“Karkat stop, just leave it.” Nepeta grabs your arm, attempting to restrain you.

“Vantas, you should do what she says.” Equius steals a sideways glance at the perfectly still figure of Terezi Pyrope.

“No fuck that, sorry Nepeta but this is a ghost I need to put to rest.” You gently pat away Nepeta’s arms and point at Terezi “You need to stop it with your attitude towards me, okay? I’m sick of it, you just can’t decide whether you like me or you hate me can you?”

“I’m the one like that?” Terezi loses her composure completely. “You are such an idiot, how could I have hated you, you’re the one who acted like they hated me, half the time.”

“Fuck, guys stop it.” Eridan bursts out of the crowd which has formed around you and tries to hold back Terezi.

“Oh well look if it isn’t prince hopeless himself, come to save the day.”

“Stop talking to Eridan like that!” Terezi shouted, “How can you accuse him of being a douche when you’re the one who abandoned him to date the girl he liked?”

“No Ter its okay I don’t need you to fight my battles.” You see Eridan recoil slightly at the unconscious body of Vriska Serket next to him.

“Karkat I think you should stop.” Nepeta had withdrawn slightly. “Eridan didn’t do anything to hurt you. It was me he hurt, and it wasn’t even that bad, just Eridan.”

“But,” You start, “Hurting you is hurting me, the sooner we deal with this creep and psycho the better.”

“That’s it.” Terezi jumps at you with her cane swinging for your head, Eridan still holding on to her trying to hold her back. She makes it a foot before Eridan pulls her down the ground.

“A LITTLE HELP WWOULDN’T GO AMISS.” Eridan shouts, trying to pin down the girl underneath him who is almost certainly the stronger of the two.

“Coming through.” Sollux and Kanaya make their way through the crowd with Rose trailing slightly.

Along with Eridan they cart Terezi away and you feel two strong arms holding you back. Equius and Nepeta pull you in the opposite direction and you see Rose pulling away a knocked out Vriska Serket before being engulfed by the crowd. You turn to Nepeta, her mouth is turned into a frown and suddenly it dawns on you how stupid you’ve just been.

“Oh god, everything’s gone to shit.”

 

**Eridan: Give Terezi a piece of your mind.**

“WWHAT THE HELL WWAS THAT?” You shout at the body Terezi Pyrope. The girl is not home however, she’s just as vacant as the actually knocked out body of Vriska Serket next to her.

“Eridan calm down, what happened?” Kanaya asked.

“I don’t evven knoww, I’m wwalkin through the hawwll tryin to avvoid Kar an Nep, but I find Ter in the mwwiddle of a fwwace-off with Kar an a unconscious Vvris lyin there, so of course I try to an stop Ter.”

“This is all kinds of fucked up.” Sollux pokes the red line on Vriska’s face. “It doesn’t take any sort a genius to figure out this was done by Tz’s cane. I don’t know how she’s gonna wriggle out of this one, no way you’re allowed to knock out another student, especially not a disabled one.”

“I wonder what she did.” Rose rubs her chin. “Terezi was really worked up; maybe it was Karkat and Vriska both.”

“No I spoke with Vriska over the weekend.” Kanaya replied. “She spoke of wanting to avenge Terezi. I had disregarded it thinking it only her usual posturing, but I believe she may have meant it. I think I have a tendency to underestimate exactly how much she cares about Terezi.”

“Urrrgh.” Terezi stirred.

“Well look who woke up. Good morning sunshine.” Sollux patted Terezi on the head.

“What did I do this time?” Terezi said rubbing her head.

“Attacked Karkat and presumably knocked out Vriska.” Kanaya placed a hand on her forehead.

“Wonderful.” Terezi slouched into her chair.

“So you don’t remember anything?” You ask.

“No, nothing.”

You sigh, you had agreed with Terezi to not engage in anything social with Karkat and Nepeta for a while, for the sake of everyone, but you can’t even find it in yourself to be mad at her in her amnesiac state.

“Eridan don’t you have a lesson first period?” Kanaya asks looking at her watch.

You glance at the clock. Lesson started a couple of minutes ago “Oh shit.”

You rush off to biology, bursting through the door five minutes late. Your teacher, Jack, scowls at you and you quickly rattle off an apology for being late and sit down next to Roxy.

“So why are you actually late?” She turns to you about halfway through the lesson.

“There wwas a fight between Kar an Ter, an I think Vvris had somethin to do wwith it too. I showwed up at the arse end a the thing didn’t I?”

Roxy looks at you like you just told her that the reason you were late was you were fighting a dragon. “Really?”

“REALLY.” You run a hand through you hair. “It’s as bad as it sounds.”

“I’m gonna have to do something about this Eridan.”

“No you don’t. Rox none a this is your fault, really. Besides the social situation in that group is a fuckin minefield, full a people wwith a short fuse or in the case of Kar no fuse at all.”

“Eridan I want to help. I’ve started to become pretty good friends with you recently and that’s great, but I want to be friends with Feferi and Nepeta still and I want to be able to do this without Karkat going berserk on me.”

You sigh. “I guess you havve pretty good reasons there. I wwon’t be able to directly help you on this though, Kar finds out wwe’re in cahoots an that’s the whole thing dowwn the drain.”

“But you’ll help in other ways?” Roxy was smiling now.

“Wwell a course.” You shrug. “It’s in evverybody’s best intersts it gets sorted out, but it wwon’t be easy.”

“It’ll be fine.” Roxy starts to scribble something down on a piece of paper. “Trust me I’m great at giving advice.” She hands you the paper.

You read it. “You’re crazy. The thing you want to do is dumb and impossible.” You chuck the paper behind you.

Roxy jumps down from her lab stool to pick it up. “What if an enemy finds this paper? They’ll know the goal of operation phoenix dawn alpha. Don’t you know anything about counter-counter-counter-espionage” The mock scolds you.

“If you kneww anythin about counter-counter-counter-espionage you wwoulda made it less clear that you had wwrote it to being wwith.”

“You’re right, I should disguise it as something distinctly regular and Roxy-like. Hey, do you know how to do code?”

“My dad taught me Morse code.”

“Too easy.” Roxy brushes off your suggestion.

“Wwhy does it evven matter?” You point at the note. “THAT, is crazy and impossible.”

“You’ll see.” Roxy winks.

**Roxy: Strike!**

Your schemes are airtight, watertight and you daresay magmatight, although Eridan was quick to point out that unless your plan was keeping it underground, it should be lavatight. You told him to shut up, it was just a turn of phrase. He told you it “wwasn’t evven that.”

“Hey Karkat.” You shout. So far so, good operation soaring eagle on the dawn of the phoenix alpha was going well.

A mess of black hair turns to look at you. So does her boyfriend. Your first calculated risk turns out to be acceptable and throw in your first gambit. “Oh hey Nepeta!” You smile at her.

“Hey Roxy!” Nepeta perks up and pulls Karkat over to you. “How are you?” She’s so sweet.

“Great! What about you?” You point at Karkat. “How did THAT happen?”

“I have no idea,” Nepeta raises her hand and ruffles Karkat’s hair. “He just showed up and I don’t know what to do with him.”

Karkat smiled and blushed slightly. He was a different person around Nepeta; he was calmed, quiet and placid. It was sort of scary.

You lean in to Nepeta and mock whisper “You know you could get him put down.”

“Oh no I couldn’t do that, Nepeta shakes her head.

“Well I could do it.” You grin and look at Karkat.

“Don’t you even fucking think about it Lalonde.”

“Karkitty, you suck at roleplaying.” Nepeta ruffled his hair again.

“Yeah it’s adorable.” You pat him on the shoulder. “Maybe one day you’ll be a real boy.”

“I’m not adorable.” Karkat grumbles.

A passing Sollux pinches him on the cheek. “Sorry man, but you are definitely adorable, I mean you’re a arsehole with anger and sensitivity issues, but an adorable one.”

“Fuck off Captor.” Karkat bats away the offending hands.

“Whatever,” Sollux starts to walk away again, “Oh by the way ry, uh rx, xy, fuck I’ll come up with a good shortening of that soon, Roxy I think fef wants to talk to you about somefin.”

“Was that an ocean pun Captor?” Karkat shouts at his disappearing friend.

“Don’t worry Karkat, you’ll join him soon,” You smile, “It’ll be cat-pun central in your brain before you know it. Don’t worry it real is no CLAWS for alarm.”

“Oh god, that is a thing Nepeta does isn’t it.” He turns to Nepeta.

“KarKITTY, PAWlease just beCLAWS I CATPUNNED to make some once or twice, doesn’t mean I make them all TWINE.” A large smile appeared on Nepeta’s face. “But seriously I forget to do them a lot.”

“Now you mention it I’ve been forgetting to do my misspelling thing for a while.” You stroke you chin.

“Wait, are you telling me you misspell things on purpose?” Karkat scratched his head. “How idiotic can you get?”

“Well my spelling has gotten better since I was like thirteen and it was just sort of my thing, so I kept it up.” You shrug.

“That is dumb and so are you.”

“Haha, whatever, well I have to run Gotta talk to Feferi apparently. Don’t have too much fun you two.” You say leaving the couple with a wink and slight wave.

Everything is going to plan.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the lapse in updates, Exams and such.

**Eridan: Indulge Lalonde’s Nonsense**

“What do you think of CoTL?” Rose asks eyebrows raised. “My beta reader and I are _dying_ to hear your opinions.”

“I think I wwant to eat my lunch if that’s okay wwith you, Rose.” You take a bite of your chicken sandwich.

“Eridan darling,” Kanaya looks over the book she’s reading, some vampire novel, it’s alright, not that you’ve read it, okay you have read it, but that’s beside the point. “You will just have to indulge her at some point.”

You swallow. “Fine alright, wwhat do you wwant to knoww?”

“Your opinion on the behaviour of Zazzapan in the last chapter?”

“Zaz wwas asking for Calmasis to find him in the afterlife the wway he wwas acting, ain’t a surprise he caught up.” You take a sip of your drink, faygo, this stuff isn’t even circulated in Britain but somehow Gamzee gets a ton of it and sells it much cheaper than the college even sells its water. It’s not bad, but it’s not like you would pick it out of choice, you’re just trying to be frugal. “I’m rooting for Calmasis anyway, or at least I wwas until I realised you could just change the story on a wwhim to make me wwrong, so I wwon’t evven start on that.”

Rose gives a small ladylike chuckle. “Eridan, I trust rose with my own opinions and have yet to see them affect the shape of the story.” Kanaya took a sip of her own faygo, scrunching her nose up after the aftertaste kicks in. “Why do we drink this stuff.”

“Kan at 40p a litre, wwhy wwould wwe drink anything else? That’s half a the cost a wwater here.” You take another swig. “besides, you’re drinkin the green one, wwho evven wwould think that’s a good idea? Wwhat falvvour is it anyway?”

“I don’t, I don’t know, apple I believe.” Kanaya picked her bottle up and started to study it.

“Dearest.” Rose said “Surely apple would have a yellowish complexion.” She took a sip of her faygo which she had poured into a plastic cup.

“What are you drinking?” Kanaya placed her bottle down and peered into roses cup. “Purple? What flavour is that?”

“It’s the best one.” You say giving you own bottle of purple a small shake. “It’s the one Gam drinks too, so if it’s his favvourite it’s probably is gonna be the best, I only picked it up cause it matched my cloak though to be honest.”

“What is with the cloak anyway?” Rose asked. “It always bugged me why you wear something like that. With your scarf and glasses you look like a hipster super-villain.”

“Oh no not the hipster thing again.” Your head falls into your palms. “I’ve had enough with that accusation; these are just the clothes I like.”

“Honestly I liked you more in the hoodie and t-shirt deal.” Rose poked a fork of Caesar salad into her mouth. “This” she made a circular motion with her fork, “is just misleading and it isn’t helping with people’s first perceptions of you.”

“Lalonde you are wwearing a Orange hoodie so bright there are people in Germany sayin 'Wwhat the hell is that?'”

“I have to agree with Eridan on this one rose.” Kanaya gave her girlfriend a sideward glance and pinching a bit of the fabric, “I thought we retired this one.”

“I have two hoodies like this, though.” Rose said smirking at Kanaya, who merely facepalmed in respose.

The rest of lunchtime passed quickly and uneventfully. Getting up to leave for your only other lesson with Roxy, computing, you felt like you could really be good friends with Rose and Kanaya. Things were looking up, at least in comparison to the morning.

“Hey Ed,” Sollux greeted you.

Wait. Hold the damn phone. Sollux greeted you.

“Sol you feelin alright?” you say approaching him cautiously.

“Uh, yeah, just friendlier I guess.” Sollux reclined in his chair. “I mean I told Ky to tell you not to bug Ff an you haven’t! That’s a big improvement over my normal luck in life!”

“Uh,” You begin. “Kan ain’t told me anythin about that. I just ain’t been talkin to Fef cause I’d figure she’d react badly to my night a drunkenness, like I thought you might’vve.”

“Whatever, point is, you’re going after ff’s best friend right? Gotta be bros with your girlfriend’s best friend’s boyfriend.”

“Wwhat? Wwho are you talkin about? I’m stayin outta the datin pool for the time bein.” You sit down and try and figure out who he’s talking about. Jane? No. Nepeta? No that’s definitely not it. Aradia? No she’s doing her weird thing with Equius.

“You are really dense Ed.” Sollux said noticing your confusion. “Look here she is now.” He grinned and leant back.

You turn to see Roxy Lalonde. Talking to Karkat. Oh god, she actually trying her stupid plan for stupid people, this is going to backfire on her so hard, you can already tell.

To your surprise she walks back over from the other side of the room and sits between you and Sollux, once she done talking with Karkat.

“Can you believe that guy?” She says, “he’s still not forgiven you for being a douche. Which might sound fine but what it actually means is he needs to forgive himself for being a douche to you before he comes over.”

“Really that’s weird. Doesn’t sound much like any kar I know.”

“Fucking tell me about it.” Sollux said. “Though to be honest Ed, I would be sat over there if I didn’t like this computer more than all the others.”

“Thanks sol, you’re bein a right good pal to me today.”

“Whatever. have fun with you pail pal ed.” he turns away from you and starts typing.

“What’s a pail pal?” Roxy asks. It’s a euphemism your friends came up with in high school, but you aren’t exactly going to tell her what it means. Sollux has you stuck. He has you stuck and the lanky lisping bastard loves every second of it.

“I can’t remember, some wwriggler level insult.”

“What is it with you guys and your weird terms, pail pal? Wriggler?” Roxy looks at you funny and produces a table written on graph paper she must have taken from the maths department. It’s got pretty rough pictures of faces on it with lines connecting them in different colours.

“Wwhat was the point in special paper if you dreww outside the lines all ovver the place anywway?”

“They were in lines at first. I just forgot about a couple of people.” She says slightly embarrassed. Upon further inspection these are quite crude drawings of your friends. Then it hits you.

“Rox is this a fuckin shippin diagram? Nep’ll havve your fuckin guts.” You jovially poke her in the belly.

She pouts at you. “I asked her permission first asshole. We are as chill as two striders at the north pole, she my other co-conspirator.”

You see your own face, with red lines leading to Nepeta, Feferi, Vriska, Karkat, Sollux... pretty much everyone actually. Kanaya, Terezi and Gamzee are the only three remaining.

“Eridan you’re cool with Terezi right?”

“Wwhat kinda question is that?” You point at the diagram, “You’re shipping me right in front of me, aren’t you?”

“Maybe I am, I’m thinking you wouldn’t mix too well with Gamzee and Kanaya is with Rose.” She quickly scribbles down two new pictures of her sister and John, who is pretty much indistinguishable from Jake the way she drawn him. You can only tell it’s john because a blue  line goes in connecting him to Vriska. Lines go in to represent all the current couples, Equius gets connected to Aradia, Kanaya to Rose, Sollux to Feferi and Karkat to Nepeta. She sets the pen down and admires her handiwork.

You grab the pen and draw a line between Gamzee and Tavros. “Hey, I guess that’s the only way left but still.” Roxy shrugs.

“Trust me, Gam would be vvery happy with that, Tavv too, but neither of em are gonna admit it to each other.”

“Really?”

“Yeah but, I just don’t get how you doing the impossible of setting evveryone up in a relationship is gonna solvve all our probelems. Not that I don’t appreciate the effort.”

“Simple!” Roxy grabs a green pen and draws a line between Nepeta and Equius. “You know how those two look out for each other? What if we got everyone someone like that too?”

“That sounds kinda silly, like dictating who a person’s best friend is for them.”

“Well we’ll take people’s current situations into account, won’t we? Let’s start with Karkat.”

“Gamzee.” You shrug. “Not exactly hard, no-one’s more uptight than Kar an no-one’s more relaxed than Gam an they’re already really good friends.”

“Huh, I didn’t know that.” Roxy draws the line. “Anyway I was talking to Feferi at lunch about this.”

 “Fef? Really?”

“Yeah she’s the one who came up with the idea for moirails.”

“That’s a pretty dumb name rox.”

“Whatever, she said she’d be interested in being yours.”

You just stare at her. Your mind stops and the only thing that stirs are her words echoing in your mind.

“What?” Roxy reclines in her chair slightly and tilts her head in the same way a dog might. “Bad idea? She said she wanted to help you Eri.”

“It’s the wworst fuckin idea I evver heard in my fuckin life.” You explode, “There is no wway I’d wwant to be in any sorta arrangement wwith fef like that. I can’t evven find it in myself to talk to her normally, but talk about my feelins wwith her? Howw could I possibly start to do that? ‘How are you feeling today Eridan?’ ‘Oh you knoww I wwas just feelin dowwn like I alwways do because a the emotional baggage I still havve after you dumped me a fuckin year ago!’ ’Oh that sounds bad.’ ’Yeah it kinda fuckin does don’t it? But it gets better I still have all that emotional trauma left ovver from wwhen vvris dumped me, too!’ ‘Is there anyfin I can do to kelp?’ ‘OF COURSE THERE FUCKIN AIN’T!’”

Your voice catches and you suddenly realise you’ve been practically shouting. You're out of breath and your heart is racing. You suddenly feel really vunerable and everyone in the room is staring at you. Karkat has his mouth slightly agape, Sollux gives you a worried glance and out of the corner of his eye and you see John and Vriska who were just entering the room give looks of concern. You hope so much that Vriska didn’t hear that last part but you just know she did. You turn your gaze to the floor.

Roxy just looks at you dumbfounded. “Okay, Eri look, I’m sorry do you want to talk about it.” Her hand comes out and touches your arm reassuringly.

“What? No. I don’t know. Maybe?” You look at Roxy “Yeah. Okay.”  
  
 **Roxy: Have the best feelings jam ever.**

It’s 7pm on a Monday night and you are at Eridan Ampora’s porch. His house is a pretty standard suburban affair. A house for a man of practicality more than anything else. Definitely the house of someone who likes living in the centre of a vast maze of houses, you muse, whatever kind of person that is, not too fondly remembering your journey to the house. Somehow Rose had loaded her own voice onto the sat-nav and every time she made a wrong turning her voice would come on, set to full sarcasm. “Roxy dearest, I know you find basic tasks difficult but that was not correct.”

You give the front door, painted a bright violet but with some very noticeable damage, a good bang and within moments Eridan opens the door. The inside of his house is much different, there is oak furniture everywhere and there is a large chandelier hanging from the ceiling. “Good evening milord.” You give a slight curtsey.

“Rox please don’t use my formal title.” He closes the door behind you gently. “May I take your coat?”

“So long as I can have it back.” You wink and he opens the door to a large dark room, hanging the coat on the nearest hook next to his own cloak.

“If any of those coats take your fancy you can havve them too.” He gestures behind him and indeed there are a good number of discarded coats on a row of hooks. “Fuckin nobles, leaving their shit evverywwhere.”

He shows you into the living room which is pretty empty bar the large fishtank on the wall a single three-piece sofa and a TV which looks like it might have been really good about 4 years ago. You take a seat on the couch. It’s not exactly the most comfortable sofa in the world. It’s pretty dire actually, worn beyond belief as it is.

“Wwanna drink a somethin?” Eridan asks. “I think the only things I’vve got in are faygo purple an sparklin wwater.”

“I don’t mind drinking faygo in college, but out of it might be a major health hazard.”

Eridan laughs, “Sparklin wwater it is.”

You try and make yourself comfortable on the sofa, but you simply can’t. “You win this round sofa.” You grumble, sitting on the floor in front of it.

“Couch claimed another vvictim eh?” Eridan says as he walks in and sits next to you placing a bottle of water in front of you. “So howw do you wwanna do this?”

“I don’t know.” You try and recall you talk with Nepeta earlier. “Nepeta said something about getting comfy in a pile and relaxing and giving each other massages. I thought the sofa might be a good replacement for a pile, but it’s simply not comfy.”

“Wwe could make a pile a coats.” Eridan suggested.

The pile of coats is really big, and you like to think expertly made. Eridan did indeed have a lot of leftover coats in his cloakroom, and you were sure to separate the big fluffy deals from the rest to put on top and put the anoraks and cagoules at the bottom.

You gracefully swan dive onto the pile “This will do. I think.” You shake your rear to entrench yourself into the pile. “Come on Eri!”

Eridan has a massive smile on his face and attempts a forward flip onto the pile, ending up crashing head first into it instead. “I need to stop tryin ta jump into things. Nevver goes wwell.” He promptly tries to wriggle next to you.

“So about Feferi,” You say.

Eridan groans. ”Wwhy.”

You giggle “you knew this was coming, time to face it.”

“I don’t knoww if I can just talk about her at wwill, the wwhole things kinda buried under a wwhole load a emotional rubble.”

“I think I have something which can clear that up.” You produce a tiny bottle of vodka from your pocket.

“You havve got to be kiddin me.” Eridan stares at you. “I’m not havvin any more a that stuff.”

“It’ll be fine, I’ll be here this time, what could even go wrong?”

**Eridan: watch as everything goes wrong.**

“An so I said ter him I don’t even know where the golf balls are!” Roxy says and you both burst out laughing. It’s been 3 hours since Roxy got here and the two of you have consumed quite the copious amount of alcohol since. You have over this time, had quite the loud productive feelings jam and moved down from mount coatvvia and moved to fort sofairiwwa.

The two of you are currently wrapped around each other in a pillow fort built into the side of the coat pile swigging rum from the bottle and generally acting the way drunk people do. You take a mighty swig from the bottle and pass it to you accomplice. She pours the last of it down her throat and giggles, pulling herself away from you.

“I have a new idea for a game!” She places the bottle on the floor and begins to have a minor giggling fit, “Spin the bottle!”

“Rox there’s only tw-“

“SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!” Roxy paps you on the nose with the force of a punch and spins the bottle.

The bottle begins to spin in slow motion threating you every time it makes a full rotation, until it comes to a stop pointing in a direction which could in no way be considered 'at you'. It does in fact seem to be pointing at a cushion. You grab it and throw it to Roxy. “It’s someone’s lucky day.” You wink.

Roxy giggles and proceeds to make out with the pillow, for quite a while actually. “Ahem.” She breaks off from the pillow, now covered in smudged makeup. “Do you two need a room?” You wiggle your eyebrows.

Roxy smiles and places the pillow back “Your turn Ampora.”

You spin the bottle it stops degrees from Roxy, who smiles. “I think it’s pointing at the scarf.” You say pointing at your discarded scarf which your companion turns to look at.

“You’re a lucky man Eri, this scarf is one smexy mofo.” She throws you the scarf. “But I think like a lot of your clothes, it might have looked better on the floor.”

Your cheeks flush bright red and Roxy falls backwards giggling. “Classy shit rox.”

“I’m not the one who’s about to make out with his scarf.”

She’s baiting you and you’re too drunk for it to fail, you raise the scarf to your mouth and what follows is perhaps the weirdest minute of your life.

You throw your scarf to the side “Your turn Rox.” She spins the bottle a lot slower this time clearly trying to aim for you but she’s about 20 degrees off and the bottle points at the mini vodka bottle which had been discarded previously.

She picks it up and looks at it for a second. “Don’t want to make out with your best friend eh Rox? I knoww you an booze havve a long history together.” She throws the bottle at you, and sticks her tongue out at you like a 7 year old.

“Oops I must have slipped.” She says mock shocked, “Don’t worry I’ll get it.”

She crawls over to the bottle which landed just in front of you. Picks it up and looks at you  with a gleam in her eye, you’re too slow to react and she pounces on you like she were a handful of iron filings and you an electromagnet. Her lips mash at yours like they’ve never even seen a kiss before, but before you realise yours are doing the same back, you pull her closer to you and she wraps her arms around the back of your head. Locking you and her together, she tastes of rum, but everything tastes of rum at this point and the only thing your noticing is the moment, and how bad she is at kissing, but mainly the moment.

That moment is the last thing you remember.

Your name is Eridan Ampora and you just woke up with a half-naked Roxy Lalonde next to you.


	8. Chapter 8

Roxy: Wake up

Your name is Roxy Lalonde and, wait, where the hell are you? The room is painted a uniform violet, although it must be said the paintwork is sloppy and layers of Cobalt and Fuchsia are viewable underneath. Upon the walls hang maps. All of them hand drawn on parchment, very fancy, you think. The bed you’re lying on is a similar purple to the walls with a black duvet. By the side of it many of your clothes are neatly laid out, and upon inspection of your own body, you find you are just in your underwear. On a nightstand next to the bed is a photo frame, but it’s placed face down.

Upon examination the photo inside it shows a younger looking Karkat surrounded by younger looking Feferi, Sollux, Kanaya, Nepeta and Eridan, it looks like it was taken during the time when Eridan and Feferi were dating as Feferi’s arms are draped over the formers shoulders.

You’re pretty sure you knew it was Eridan all along to be honest, but why were you… your train of thought is broken by your phone sounding the tone which denotes a new IM. It also makes you realise you have a hangover, but you were pretty certain that was going to be the case, anyway.

You groggily throw on your clothes and find your phone underneath them.

Oh, Rose has been messaging you.

tentacleTherapist (TT) began pestering tipsyGnostalgic (TG)

TT: Roxy, either your driving skill has reached a new levels of appalling, or you are staying longer at Eridan’s that planned.  
TT: Please tell me which it is.  
TT: Okay, so you’re ignoring messages from your darling sister, I will either take this as being very road safe (hahaha) or you are being distracted by Mr Ampora.  
TT: Roxy are you drinking? Please tell me you’re not drinking.  
TT: Fuck it you probably are drinking.  
TT: Don’t do anything stupid.  
TT: What does it matter what I say, you’re just ignoring me, maybe someone else will get through to you.

tentacleTherapist (TT) ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic (TG)

tentacleTherapist (TT) began pestering tipsyGnostalgic (TG)

TT: Roxy, I’m pretty certain you just spent the night at Eridan’s. Don’t worry about the car Kanaya is giving me a lift in. Please tell me you headed the advice I got people to send you last night.  
TG: uh hey rpse  
TG: *rose  
TG: what advice?  
TT: Good morning sunshine. Check your messages from Kanaya and Dirk.

What? You open up the messages you got last night. Good lord there are a lot of them.

GA: Rose Tells Me That You Are At Eridan’s Right Now And Wants Me To Tell You To Use Protection  
TT: Roxy, Rose told me to tell you to safeguard your cargo and to tell other people to tell you to do so too. I have no idea what’s going on, it’s eleven at night and I haven’t slept for a long time.  
TG: yo, bro tells me to tell you to guard your stuff, dunno why  
GT: hello roxy! Dirk tells me you’re having trouble looking after your cargo, may I recommend some kind of fortification?  
EB: hi roxy! I got a message from dave to lock up your things to keep out burglars or something  
GG: Hey Roxy! Dirk says to keep a better watch on your things, whatever that means. Mr Strider is being very secretive about the whole thing.  
GG: roxy look after your things better!!!!  
CG: DAVE TOLD ME TO SEND YOU SOME STUPID MESSAGE ABOUT GUARDING YOUR ITEMS. WHATEVER THAT MEANS.  
GC: H3LLO MRS C4NDY P1NK T3XT D4V3 W4NTS M3 TO G1V3 YOU ADV1C3 ON GUARD1NG TH1NGS.

That is quite enough of that. You’re not sure if it’s better or worse that only one of those people even knew what they were talking about

TG: fanks rose  
TG: well imma go talk to eri i guess

  
You find Eridan in the kitchen wearing a bright red Betty Crocker branded apron and cooking bacon.

“Is that bacon?” You say drifting into the room, nose turned to the air.

“The truest miracle in all the wworld.” Eridan smirked. “Sleep wwell?”

“Eh, I didn’t dream.” You say. His look says it all, one of you is gonna have to bring up the fact you slept in the same bed, eventually, at least you’re assuming you did.

“Remember much a last night?” Eridan turns back to tending the bacon.

“Urgh, no.” You slump into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. “You?”

“It’s comin back to me, but I can’t seem to get past one point in the night.” Eridan started to place the bacon onto two plates.

“What point was that? Maybe you can help stir a few of the old memories?” You pour yourself a glass of water and down it in one fell glup.

“D’ya remember much about spin the bottle?” Eridan says placing a plate in front of you, but quickly turning away to avoid eye contact.

Oh god, you do. You had tried to use it as some sort of weird ploy to extract make outs and it had worked, eventually.

You try to vocalise something to fill the silence but all you can say is “oh.”

“Yeeah.” Eridan turns to you and raises an eyebrow. “Anything after that?”

You shake your head and he sighs. “To be expected really, I’vve looked over what other clues I have and it hasn’t told me anything. I don’t think wwe,” He pauses and breaks eye contact. “did THAT, did wwe?”

You both blush and this time it’s you who breaks the eye contact. “Uh, no.” You say, “I, uh, I don’t think we did.”

Eridan throws his arms up into the air. “Thank you.” He pulls his chair out and sits opposite you. “I thought I had been the worst host in all of the hosts, literally the worst host. When it comes to hosting you’ll find that I am simply the worst there is.”

You giggle at his antics and are both interrupted by messages on your phones. You’ve been invited to a memo by Dirk. Eridan glances over from his screen.

“Dirk?” You ask. He nods, his face showing nothing but confusion.

timaeusTestified (TT) opened a new memo on the bulletin board “The Strider’s Captor-Proof Private Message Board.”

TT: Roxy, Eridan we need to talk.  
caligulasAquarium (CA) began responding to memo  
CA: wwhats up?  
tipsyGnostalgic (TG) began responding to memo  
TG: yeah whats up dirk?  
TT: So I just worked out what the message Rose sent me last night meant.  
TG: oh  
TT: Yes, “oh” is the correct sentiment at this point.  
TT: So please do tell, what the fuck did you two do last night?  
CA: wwhat? howw is that anythin like your fuckin business?  
TT: I am making it my business. I warned you not to mess with Roxy.  
CA: so it’s my fault. you aint heard any details but its already me wwhos in the wwrong  
TT: It’s a pretty safe assumption.  
TG: dirk stop it wasn’t his fault  
TG: i was the one who came on to him  
TT: That doesn’t mean he had to respond to your advances.  
TG: dirk i was very persuasive  
TG: plus we were both kind of drunk  
TT: Why does that not even come close to being fucking surprising?  
TT: So Roxy came onto Eridan and then the two of you had drunk sex?  
CA: WWHAT? NO THAT’S SOME FUCKIN SLANDERIOUS SHIT YOURE THROWWIN AROUND  
TG: eri, clam down man  
TG: hehe fish pun  
TG: anyway dirk we didn’t have sex  
TT: Oh, really? I thought that…  
TT: Shit. Okay I’ve been an idiot.  
CA: you fuckin think  
TG: shoooosh  
CA: don’t you shoosh me  
TT: So what did go on last night?  
TG: we might have made out a little and um  
TG: imightwokeupinhisbed  
TT: What.  
TG: but we didn’t!  
TT: … Fine whatever. It’s too early for me to try and understand you rox. I don’t know if I could get my head around Eridan with all the time in the world.  
CA: at least you dont havve a fuckin hangovver  
TT: That’s true. So what is going on between you two now?  
CA: uh  
TG: um

“Wwhat is goin on betwween us?” Eridan said, you could feel his glance but did not return it, you were busy biting the inside of your mouth. It was a very good question, You might have told Eridan about the crush you developed for him at some point during the past night, but you don’t remember, and more importantly you don’t remember his response.

“I, uh...” you begin.  
  
Eridan: Brace for impact

You are now Eridan Ampora.

In the future.

The wall of the college speeds toward you but with what seems like a little too much practice and far too much use of the handbrake you come to an abrupt stop micrometeres away from the potentially fatal large brick based structure.

The Lalonde’s car is much like their house, a constant battle of one-upmanship. Almost everything in the car is either covered in Lavender or Pink embroidery, each cozy, carmat and cushion declaring their love for their twin sister.

“Addiction is a powerful thing Ampora.” Roxy smiles, unbuckling herself from the driver’s seat. She clearly noticed that you were looking at the inside of Frigglish with the kind of awkward wonder only before seen on your face the first time you watched the Johnny Depp Charlie and the chocolate factory. “It stared out in primary school, I made her a painting that said “I love my sister” and seeing as she had learned being falsely genuine as her first language at 3 years of age, she saw it as a dig at her and drew me one back, so now it’s this constant war of who can be the most loving and heartfelt.”

“That’s fuckin adorable.” You unclipping your seatbelt which has “Rose is beautiful” sewn onto it in pink. “But wwhy is the car named after a wwizard from CoTL?”

Roxy pulls out her bag from the car boot and gives a look. “You’ve met Rose right?”

She has a point there, you giggle. “Okay, I guess you got me on that one.”

“Damn right I did.” She punches you playfully on the arm before reaching down to take your hand. You basically jump out of your damn skin in fright. Skin contact is something you’ve forgotten how to be used to over your time as an eligible bachelor.

“Oh Jegus.” Roxy smirks and tilts her head to the side. “Did I trigger you or something?”

“Wwhat? No?” You say, shaking your head a little.

“Then stop being a dork and take my damn hand.” She deadpans in that way only the Lalondes and Kanaya have ever seemed to manage. You succumb to her will and suffer the indignity of holding the attractive girls hand. The attractive girl in question it must also be said, is wearing your clothes. Emblazoned on her chest is your trademark Aquarius symbol in pink atop a light blue backing. It was originally Violet on White but you used some faulty colour protection washing powder and that abomination was created. Sometimes you wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about how that shirt is even possible. There’s no doubting it suits Roxy perfectly though.

You are so distracted by Roxy-Hand holding and admiring your own incompetence at washing clothes that you don’t notice being approached by the Courtyard Dude. Nobody really knows what his actual name is, but he’s a groundskeeper at the college and is generally pretty nice. He smiles at the two of you and gestures toward your hand holding.

“We are dating now!” Roxy tells him and he actually starts doing a little happy dance using the shovel he’s currently holding as a makeshift cane. That is until you biology teacher appears behind him and whacks him over the head with a large textbook. Where the courtyard dude excels in being a short, rotund man, Jack Noir is equally good at being scowly and menacing. Rumour is he became a teacher because he got fired from working as pathologist because he performed autopsies on “one too many alive persons.” Noir tells you to run along to class and you immediately nod and pull Roxy off with you. You know better than to get on the bad side of Jack Noir.

“This college employs some really weird staff.” you say, entering the main college building. Roxy nods but you are stopped in your tracks by someone behind you coughing. You slowly turn around hoping it’s not Jack Noir and luckily for you it’s just the mayor. The mayor, as he insists of being called, is the college’s principal and is well loved by basically everyone ever.

“Sorry Mr Mayor, but it is true.” Roxy says smiling. The Mayor shakes his hands out in front of him and says he knew you meant nothing by it, before giving you both two reassuring thumbs up. God he’s awesome.

“I can’t belivve I evver doubted howw amazin the mayor is.” You smile as he walks off.

“He is basically the best thing ever.” Vriska says appearing at your side. She didn’t exactly get off easily after the incident the day before. Her already scarred, eye-patched face now adorned a very large bruise sustained by being it in the face with a long cylindrical object. She eyes you and Roxy holding hands. “Wweeeeeeeell wwhat do wwe havve here?” She says raising her eyebrows and coping your accent. “I thought I was the Trisha to your Cameron, Eridan! I am shocked!”

“Come on vvris, everyone knowws you havve a massivve ladyboner for John. You just made a fuckin con air reference for god’s sake. I ain’t been your street tough mavverick wwith nothing to lose for a good wwhile noww.”

Vriska ruffles your hair and gives a quick kiss on the cheek. “Eridan you were the best street tough maverick I ever dated. But you are also wrong, I’m gunning for bigger ships than John.”

“Wwait I wwas?” You stammer.

“Well seeing as I’ve only ever dated you and Kanaya, you are really also the only street tough maverick I ever dated.” Vriska laughed at her own wit for a moment before turning back to her clearly unimpressed audience. “But seriouuuuuuuusly? Me and Egbert? Ha. No.”

“He turned you down didn’t he?” Roxy smiled and patted Vriska on the shoulder. “Or at least his equivalent, he really is an idiot, I expect he’ll realise what he’s done soon enough. Well within the week. You know, if Rose tells him.”

Vriska’s smile grew with every sentence Roxy said. “God he’s an idiot. Anyway I’ll catch you guys later! I got irons in the fire and such!”

“She’s been crying again.” You say once Vriska was safely out of earshot.

“Vriska ‘Huge Bitch’ Serket crying?” Roxy raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, if there’s one thing we’ve learned recently it’s that people generally considered to be douchebags are incapable of emotion.” You roll your eyes.

“Point taken.” Roxy says, pushing open the cafeteria door with her free hand.

Sat around your usual table are Nepeta, Jake, Sollux and Feferi. The latter two greet you with a smug grin and an enthusiastic wave in turn. Nepeta turns around and gives you a big smile. Jake Harley on the other hand is Jake Harley.

“Goodness gracious, it’s just the pair we we’re talking about! Come sit Roxy, Mr Ampora.” He beckons you over, seemingly unaware that he just revealed that the four of them were gossiping about you.

As you sit down you see Nepeta kick him from under the table. “So,” Roxy raises her eyebrows. “What was it you guys were talking about again?” She smirks.

“Whale.” Feferi begins, barely concealing her excitement “we were wondering if you two were bouyfrond and gillfrond!”

“Well they were wondering if you were, I didn’t care.” Sollux added pointing at Feferi and Nepeta.

“Thanks Sol I appreciate it.” You smile and the conversation continues at a reasonable pace. It’s quite remarkable actually, it’s perhaps the first civil conversation you’ve had with Sollux, Feferi or Nepeta since they rejected/dumped you.

You look at Roxy. Your heart swells and you think, that maybe everything’s gonna turn out fine.

Your name is Eridan Ampora and a girl just agreed to date you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, this is the end. It's not the end i was originally going for but after months of constant writers block i didn't want to drag this story out any longer. Thank you so much for reading it you guys are great, and if you've been waiting three months for this update i am so sorry.
> 
> Any questions and comments? Head over to http://200andnineteenhexagons.tumblr.com/


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